IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
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Today, it is argued that a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 choose
using
Change the verb form
to use
show examples
 traditional
medicines
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 and treatments when they have
health
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 problems rather than going to
local
Add an article
a local
the local
show examples
 hospital.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain
negative
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the negative
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 impact of
this
Linking Words
 statement. As modern
people
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 who live surrounded by a number of
advance
Replace the word
advanced
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 technologies,
such
Linking Words
 as instant food,
people
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 are easy to have
serious
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a serious
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 problem of
health
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. Cancer is one of them.
Linking Words
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
health
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 problems have different states
as well as
Linking Words
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 kind. The only way to know it
by
Add a missing verb
is by
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 going to
hospital
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the hospital
a hospital
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, and
communicate
Wrong verb form
communicating
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 with
cancer
Correct article usage
a cancer
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 professional
doctor
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. By doing
this
Linking Words
, the patient can treat their sickness with an appropriate treatment and medicine. After knowing your sickness, you should consume good
medicines
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 to recover. When
people
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 check their
health
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 condition at
hospital
Add an article
a hospital
the hospital
show examples
,
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doctor
Add an article
the doctor
a doctor
show examples
 will give
instruction
Fix the agreement mistake
instructions
show examples
 about how many times
patient
Correct article usage
the patient
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drink
Correct subject-verb agreement
drinks
show examples
medicines
Use synonyms
 at home. If they are still sick, they can visit
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 hospital and check their problem. Every hospital has
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
health
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 technology which can examine various
disease
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diseases
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is cheaper now to have
health
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consultation
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consultations
show examples
 with
Use synonyms
doctor
Add an article
a doctor
the doctor
show examples
.
People
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 just to make their
health
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 insurance that
have
Wrong verb form
has been
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 prepared by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
,
for
Linking Words
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 BPJS.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it is true that a number of
people
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 nowadays tend to cure their sickness body by consuming traditional
medicines
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as well as
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
treatment.
However
Linking Words
, it is cheaper for
people
Use synonyms
 if they go to
local
Add an article
a local
show examples
 hospital by using their government insurance. They
are
Verb problem
will
show examples
 not only
knowing
Wrong verb form
know
show examples
 their
health
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 conditions but
also
Linking Words
 will get free good
medicines
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they
also
Linking Words
 will have free communication with
Use synonyms
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve your essay's coherence and cohesion, ensure a clear logical progression of ideas throughout your text. Use linking words effectively to connect sentences and paragraphs smoothly. Pay attention to the overall flow of the essay to enhance readability and ensure your introduction and conclusion are more clearly defined, adding to the overall cohesion of your work.
Task Achievement
Regarding task achievement, your essay does need to address the prompt more fully to express a clear position throughout the response. While you have covered aspects of the topic concerning health care and the use of traditional medicine, the argument does not thoroughly explore both sides as the prompt suggests. Additionally, provide more relevant, specific examples to back up your points and ensure that every main point is elaborately discussed to strengthen your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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