IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness.Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness.Discuss both views.

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Different kinds of individuals argue that
money
Use synonyms
 is not the cause of happiness.
However
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, other segments of humans say that being pleased is not related to
money
Use synonyms
 as well.
While
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 happy people identify
pleasant
Rephrase
as pleasant
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
 they can unwind and relax out of huge responsibilities, I completely believe that
money
Use synonyms
 is needed to buy the basic needs for everyone's
life
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.
This
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 essay will represent both points of view. On the one hand, too many people describe happiness as being far away from all responsibilities and headache tasks
as well as
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 having a
life
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 balance without focusing on collecting
money
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 and increasing their revenue rates. These types of individuals,
such
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 as investors and company owners are spending their whole week
in addition
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 to the national weekends in their jobs .
Moreover
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, they feel more exhausted
at the end
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 of their days.
For example
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, when the president of a firm, that manufactures specific products, meets businessmen, builds relationships and does their original strategic tasks during the whole week without any rest to increase revenue growth for the company , they will feel exhausted and lose the rest of
life
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 in strengthen relationships with their family and friends.
On the other hand
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, other personas believe that
money
Use synonyms
 is not the source of being happy at all.
In other words
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,
money
Use synonyms
 is needed to meet humans' basic needs in their lives. Being happy and pleased is to live without asking for donations to get warm, eat healthy food and drink clean water.
However
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, if people could not meet their living needs daily,
as a result
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, the impoverished would rise and cause a community crisis.
For instance
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, parents need an amount of
money
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 to bring
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their children food and medicines when they are sick.
However
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, they will go for illegal ways like stealing to meet the daily needs of being survived with their children. In conclusion,
although
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 happiness is described as having a
life
Use synonyms
-balance in
life
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 without thinking of raising
money
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 for parts of the population,
money
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 is a crucial need for every well-being to be alive in
life
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.
Whereas
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, without having
money
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 for various personas, there is a probability
to
Change preposition
of to
show examples
 increase
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 rate of starvation.

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task achievement
Ensure that both views on the topic are fully explored and exemplified with clear, relevant examples. Some of the arguments could be supported with more specific examples rather than hypothetical scenarios.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that the essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction could be strengthened by explicitly stating the purpose of the essay and providing a brief overview of the points that will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Improve the essay structure by using cohesive devices appropriately. Ensure paragraphs are well-developed with a single main idea each and use a range of linking words to help with the flow of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • personal growth
  • mindset
  • self-worth
  • social status
  • philanthropy
  • well-being
  • experiences
  • generosity
  • fulfilling
  • reduces stress
  • escalate
  • acquiring wealth
  • sense of security
  • comparative wealth
  • excessive focus
  • leisure activities
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