IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Having more international sporting events may promote world peace. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement.

#events #world #peace
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Sports
Use synonyms
 play a pivotal role across the globe. Some express that conducting international
sports
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events
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 may stimulate
world
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unity
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. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it encourages to
nations
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 interact with
one
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 another and it allows
people
Use synonyms
 from all over the
world
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 to share a common interest.
This
Linking Words
 essay discusses it briefly for the following reasons. To commence with, global
sports
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 tournaments may promote
world
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peace
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 because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
encourages
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourage
show examples
 to
nations
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 interact with
one
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 another.
This
Linking Words
 means politicians usually attend these kinds of
events
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,
this
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 is an appropriate chance to discuss and overcome if they have any disputes and issues.
For example
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, the Olympic Games are conducted
five-year
Correct word choice
in five
show examples
 ones in various
nations
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while
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 the host nation has to interact with another country
along with
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they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
 harmonious relationships so that
world
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peace
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 and
unity
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 are
happened
Verb problem
apply
show examples
naturally
Change the word
natural
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, international
sports
Use synonyms
 tournaments may encourage
world
Use synonyms
unity
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, global
sports
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events
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 may assist
world
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peace
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 because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 allow
people
Use synonyms
 from all over the
world
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 to share a common interest. To clarify,
people
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 are often afraid of those who are different, but attending these kinds of leagues they have to see others' similarities and it creates a chance to close them.
For instance
Linking Words
, FIFA football leagues attract
people
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 together under
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one
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 roof who have similar interests
while
Linking Words
 they have a chance to make relationships and
close
Add a missing verb
be close
show examples
 to others, and
as a result
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,
world
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peace
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 is prevented.
Hence
Linking Words
, international
sports
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 may stimulate global
peace
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.
To conclude
Linking Words
, global
sports
Use synonyms
 may promote
world
Use synonyms
unity
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 because it encourages to
nations
Use synonyms
 interact with
one
Use synonyms
 another and it allows
people
Use synonyms
 from all over the
world
Use synonyms
 to share a common interest.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that international
sports
Use synonyms
 leagues may encourage
world
Use synonyms
peace
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 and I hope
this
Linking Words
 drives more benefits among
nations
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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task achievement
While the essay presents a clear position and supports it throughout, some examples provided are not fully developed or specific enough. A higher grade could be achieved by utilizing more detailed and illustrative examples to effectively back up the main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates reasonable coherence and cohesion with an introduction and conclusion, as well as paragraphs for each main point. However, some transitions between points could be smoother and more logical. More varied sentence structures and transitional phrases would further enhance cohesion between ideas and paragraphs.
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