IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Being
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
show examples
 is an important aspect
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 human
life
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
 being happy is
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
essential for human
life
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 materialised world, being happy is a tough role for humans. There are some other factors that
people
Use synonyms
 ignore
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a happy lifestyle factors
such
Linking Words
 as
difficult
Correct article usage
a difficult
show examples
 or
struggled
Wrong verb form
struggling
show examples
 lifestyle. In
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
paragraph
Add a comma
paragraph,
show examples
 I am going to explain about lifestyle that
healthier
Add a missing verb
is healthier
show examples
 and
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
show examples
 to humans. Having
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 more amount in bank balance
makes
Verb problem
gives
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 pleasure. Because they can use
this
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 to buy their dreams and acquire more and more possessions for their
satisfaction
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
People
Use synonyms
 love to purchase
things
Use synonyms
that
Linking Words
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 making more enjoyable. And
also
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 like to spend more
money
Use synonyms
 to purchase new
things
Use synonyms
 to be happy. The purchase
things
Use synonyms
 are more expensive
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 are branded materials
such
Linking Words
 as shoes,
belt
Fix the agreement mistake
belts
show examples
 etc
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
 Other than obtaining materials by spending
money
Use synonyms
, there are many other ways
people
Use synonyms
 can be happy in their
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Satisfaction
Use synonyms
 is an essential attitude to be happy in their
life
Use synonyms
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
 having more
money
Use synonyms
 and
ready
Add a missing verb
being ready
show examples
 to pay
money
Use synonyms
 for expensive
things
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, a recent study on 100 employees observed that the spending salary for good and required
things
Use synonyms
 said about their
satisfaction
Use synonyms
 in their happiness. They are happy at work and happy at home.
This
Linking Words
 example clears us that there are other factors that can
also
Linking Words
 be the reason to be happy other than wealth. To
concluded
Change the form of the verb
conclude
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 can buy
things
Use synonyms
what
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 we like in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 and
also
Linking Words
satisfaction
Use synonyms
 is an important factor
to live
Change preposition
in living
show examples
life
Use synonyms
 happily.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction
Your essay lacks a clear introduction that defines the topic and outlines what the essay will discuss. The introduction should set the stage for the reader and establish the key themes of the essay.
Conclusion
There's an absence of a conclusion that clearly summarizes the main points and your standpoint. A conclusion is crucial in reinforcing the argument and giving the essay a sense of completeness.
Logical Structure
The essay requires a logical structure which is currently not very apparent. Aim for a clear progression of ideas with well-structured paragraphs each focusing on a single main idea, supported by relevant examples or explanations.
Coherence
Improve coherence by linking ideas and paragraphs smoothly. Transitions and cohesive devices should be used to show the relationship between ideas clearly.
Comprehensive Ideas
While addressing the two parts of the prompt, your essay falls short of developing comprehensive ideas. Both the role of money in achieving happiness and alternative sources of happiness need to be explored more deeply.
Relevant Examples
The use of relevant and specific examples is essential in supporting your main points. The examples provided are too general and lack sufficient detail to be persuasive.
Task Response
Your essay should provide a complete response to the prompt. Ensure that all parts of the question are addressed and that your position is clear throughout.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: