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Band 7

In today's world many people own a smart phone. Do you think the advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages?

#world #people #phone #smartphone
In the modern era, a smartphone is a part of numerous individuals' possessions.
This
 writer believes that the advantages of having
access
 to the internet and keeping in touch with others at all times far outweigh the chance of losing data to hackers. First of all, the most advantageous factor of having a smartphone is that it can provide
access
 to the internet.
In other words
, people can
use
 various web browsers on their
phones
 to look up information or make
use
 of the entertainment that they give.
Consequently
, mobile
phone
 users do not have to be bored as they will always have something to do on their
phone
.
Thus
, mobile
phones
 are useful devices for everybody. Another beneficial factor that needs to be considered is the communication methods smartphones provide. These methods can be
phone
 calls or messages which are both very effective and fast, unlike letters.
As a result
, people can speak to their loved ones at all times, and they can make
use
 of emergency calls when they find themselves in dire situations.
Therefore
, smartphones are trustworthy tools for many individuals.
However
, some people believe that there are hackers who can gain
access
 to the information on their
phone
 wirelessly. They
also
 think that they can lose large amounts of money or data by the same method so they would rather
use
 home computers.
While
this
 point is valid, most
phones
 now have advanced defence systems which are impossible to break through.
Due to
 the system, no person in the technological era should worry about hacks through mobile
phones
.
To conclude
, I believe that the risk of being hacked is outweighed by the benefits of having
access
 to the internet and contact with others.
Therefore
, having a
phone
 is not a bad decision in the modern world.
Submitted by zky1705202 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph presents a clear main idea and that the ideas progress logically from one to another. Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas across sentences and paragraphs more effectively.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring that your position is relevant and well supported with specific examples. Expand on the points you make by providing more detailed evidence and arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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