IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In today's world many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages?

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Whether in
this
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 modern globe, each person should possess a mobile
phone
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 is a recurring argument. The writer contends that the benefits of connecting humans and exploring
knowledge
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 outweigh the drawbacks of personal harassment and
children
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 can approach bad information. One of the most advantageous factors is improving connection. When everyone has a
phone
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, they can communicate through social media and make new friends from all over the world.
Moreover
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, with
this
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 high-tech device, humans can post memories through pictures or statuses on Facebook or Instagram to share with others.
As a result
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, video calls and chats are popular in every
places
Change to a singular noun
place
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 from every person based on smartphones.
Thus
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,
people
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 joining with others leads to an international link between a variety of nations through the functions of smartphones. Exploring
knowledge
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 is
also
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 considered. The Internet is a lived encyclopedia, individuals find out all the information by searching on it. Take students for an example, they can know more about any categories and the methods of calculation if they use Google or Microsoft Edge and
then
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 easily get the information to present or to gain their study.
Therefore
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, technological devices specifically smartphones bring humans to achieve the pinnacle of
knowledge
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.
However
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, the drawbacks of personal harassment and problems when transporting
children
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 who own phones need to be discussed.
People
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 can lose their bank account or expose their
phone
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 numbers, and their addresses and they are held by bad
people
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. Another point is
also
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 needs to be recognised is that
children
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 at a young age keep a
phone
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 themselves can bring them to a harmful approach to
knowledge
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 or they can be addicted to games.
This
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 may be true, but communicating with different
people
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 on social and learning new things from the Internet
,
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apply
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 will encourage them to do something useful and help them to build up their confidence.
Consequently
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, phones push them ahead of the developed world. In conclusion, the possible impact of personal harassment and the substandard in approaching
knowledge
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 in
children
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 is outweighed by the opportunity to improve relationships and gain comprehension.
Hence
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, it shows clearly the beneficial aspect of owning a smartphone.

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coherence cohesion
- Ensure that your essay presents ideas in a logical order that enhances the reader's understanding. The connection between ideas could be improved for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
- Your essay includes an introduction and conclusion; however, make sure they are succinct and more closely aligned with the essay's body content for stronger impact.
coherence cohesion
- While your main points are supported to some extent, you could enhance your essay by providing more relevant examples and details that directly support your arguments and clearly illustrate them.
task achievement
- Address the prompt fully by ensuring your response covers all aspects of the topic and maintains a consistent argument throughout the essay.
task achievement
- Your ideas are mostly clear, but strive for a more comprehensive explanation of points to ensure the reader fully grasps your stance on the topic and reasoning behind it.
task achievement
- Include more relevant and specific examples that directly correlate with the topic to substantiate your arguments and add depth to your essay. This would make your writing more persuasive and authoritative.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • instant access
  • real-time updates
  • portable offices
  • emergency services
  • social media
  • navigation
  • cybersecurity
  • screen time
  • digital detox
  • environmental footprint
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