IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In today’s world many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantages of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantages?

#today’s #world #people #smartphone
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today’s digital age, the appearance of individuals possessing smartphones is becoming a recurring argument. In
this
 essay, the writer assumes that the benefits of owning a mobile phone can boost one’s creativity and maintain
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with acquaintances outweigh the drawbacks of exacerbating
user’s
Correct article usage
the user’s
show examples
 health. Commencing with the most
advantageous
Replace the word
advantage
show examples
 of possessing a smartphone is that it has
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 function of providing vast information for users to develop their imagination.
In other words
, mobile phones contain a wide range of accessible platforms with different information sources, which is an indispensable gadget for both studying and working purposes.
Therefore
, its amenity can boost the user mindset for a wider range of creativity. From prior knowledge, the USA has utilized
smartphone’s
Change noun form
smartphone
show examples
 functionalities to promulgate regulations for
student
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
 to use in order to improve their study progress. The results were remarkable, studies indicated that
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 university score admission has increased significantly. Another point worth mentioning is that mobile phones can conveniently keep up with acquaintances. It must be recognized that people are currently maintaining their connections with their friends or family by using
this
 digital device, which contains
platform
Correct article usage
a platform
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
that allow
show examples
allow
Change the verb form
allows
show examples
 individuals to conveniently sustain their relationships.
As a result
, people can both maintain and
wider
Replace the word
widen
show examples
 their connections with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. In every social media platform, there are organizations that gather Internet users to make friends by using digital devices, which
fostered
Wrong verb form
fosters
show examples
 a
virtual-society
Correct your spelling
virtual society
show examples
 on the Internet.
Nevertheless
, a few assumed that possessing mobile phones can be
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
life-threatening.
In other words
, smartphones contain electric waves which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 harmful to the internal health system
such
 as
heart
Correct article usage
the heart
show examples
 or vessels.
This
 may be illegal, but many circumstances revealed that a mass number of users have died
due to
 the constant exposure to
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
.
Consequently
, possessing a mobile phone is a huge advantage;
however
, it can be a serious awareness condition. Taking all points into account, owning a smartphone can improve one’s imagination and maintain their relationships.
However
, gaining
this
 gadget can be a life-threatening condition.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay by presenting them in a more structured manner. Consider using clearer topic sentences and provide appropriate details to effectively support each main point.
Task Achievement
To better address the task, make sure your response fully answers the question. It should discuss both advantages and disadvantages thoroughly, supported by relevant and detailed examples. Furthermore, a clear conclusion that weighs these aspects to decide if one side outweighs the other is essential.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: