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Band 4.5

Museums visited by tourist but local less interested. Why it is happened? Discuss and give the reason about it

#museums #tourist #reason
In the current world, local people lack the willingness to visit many
museums
 and historical sites but it is not for tourists that are more enthusiastic. It is a problem that we face right now. As far as I am concerned, Tourists are interested in
museums
 because they feel curious about new sites and want to learn more about other histories so it really makes sense that
museums
visited
Add a missing verb
are visited
show examples
 by tourists more than locals.
Hence
, we do not realize that it will be a problem in the future when locals do not understand their own past
whereas
 other people have good information from the
museums
 that they visited. I personally agree with
this
 statement that locals are less interested in visiting
museums
 in their own places.
Furthermore
, they do not care about the cultures of their places. Why it is happened? I have an argument that they did not get
education
Correct article usage
an education
show examples
 clearly about history throughout their upbringing so it makes they do not
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
feel responsible.
For example
, teaching
historical
Replace the word
history
show examples
 should start
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 children so it will stick in their minds and
as a result
, they have a good education and feel
love
Add an article
the love
show examples
 with their own
museums
. In
such
 instances, the Government have a role important to make curriculum in the school
particularly
Add the comma(s)
, particularly
show examples
 about the history of the country or some sites that must to
know
Wrong verb form
known
show examples
 by local people. In conclusion, teaching about history and introducing
museums
 start from children is necessary so it will make them love their own stories.
Submitted by aninratnasari on

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coherence cohesion
In your essay, you should aim to present your ideas in a more organized manner, allowing for a logical flow of information. Your paragraphs appear to be a series of thoughts rather than a cohesive argument. Consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to introduce the main idea and subsequent sentences to expand on that idea with specific details, examples, or arguments. This will help you in building clarity and demonstrate a more logical structure in your writing.
task achievement
While you provided an overview of the topic and a conclusion, your overall response could be enhanced by fully addressing all aspects of the task. To achieve this, make certain that you answer all parts of the question directly, and then provide clear reasons or explanations for each of your statements. In terms of task achievement, it's crucial to support your ideas with specific examples or evidence, which was lacking or too general in your essay. Using specific examples not only strengthens your argument but also shows a deeper understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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