IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Some people believe that violent films are bad for you and encourage people to be violent. Others argue that violence and films are unrelated because violence existed before films. Which of these opinions do you agree with, and to what extent do you agree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#people #films #violence
A few amount of humanity think that violent films have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 effect
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 you and encourage
people
 to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
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 other side of these
people
 say that they don't have any chain between each other because
violence
 appeared before movies. I agree with
this
 second statement. I think that a lot of
people
 knew about
this
 instrument from the
theaters
Change the spelling
theatres
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 or orchestras films
existed
Correct pronoun usage
that existed
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after
Change preposition
for
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 a long time.
However
,
people
 play the
violence
.
On the other hand
, when
people
 see and hear the melody they
also
 want to start playing. I cannot say that it is a bad opposite in my opinion. It is great when
people
 try something new and improve their talents or skills. In my
life
Add a comma
life,
show examples
 I met only one person who can play
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violence
 when I asked about her story how she thought and what the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 her interest in
this
 fantastic instrument
.
Add a missing verb
was.
show examples
 She said that when she was a child she went to the "Naproster orchestra". It is the largest symphonic orchestra. They
play on
Wrong verb form
played
show examples
 different instruments or guitar
violence
 piano and more but the most beautiful in my
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
her
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
opinion was the
violence
 she felt so excited by
this
 thing that she promised that she
became
Wrong verb form
would become
show examples
 the most popular musician. Now, she plays approximately 11 years. I heard a couple of times it was great. I am very glad that my friend
find
Change the verb form
finds
show examples
 yourself in music.
Submitted by ronadeclaro on

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task achievement
It is crucial to respond to the topic with a clear stance and develop your argument thoroughly. You should also ensure that you directly address both views presented in the prompt. The essay provided does not align well with the given topic, and the content appears muddled.
coherence cohesion
A logical and clear structure is essential in your essay, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should have a specific main idea, supported by follow-up sentences that expand on that idea. Your essay needs improvement in structuring ideas coherently, and better transition words should be used to connect sentences and paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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