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Band 4

In today's world many people own a smartphone. Do you think the advantage of owning a smartphone outweigh the disadvantage?

#world #people #smartphone #advantage
In today's digital age, more individuals have a personal smartphone.
This
 writer believes that the benefits of convenience and improving the living standard outweigh the drawbacks of
addition
Correct your spelling
addiction
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. The most advantageous factor of
smartphones
 is that it is very convenient for
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
 to contact others online and keep in touch with everyone all over the world.
In other words
, citizens can stay at home and use their
smartphones
 to call everyone who lives so far away easily and get a relationship with another person easier than.
As a result
,
society
Change noun form
society's
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 own
smartphones
 can install some apps
such
 as Facebook, Instagram,... to create more relationships
as well as
 connect with everyone from all of the cities easily.
Thus
,
smartphones
 are the most convenient facility to support humans to do everything. In some cases,
smartphones
 are
also
 like a facility that can help humans increase their living standards. It must be recognised that citizens can take advantage of
smartphones
 to service for modern age
as well as
 improve the quality of their lives.
As a result
, people can look the mobile phones like the facilities to help them in working
as well as
 studying like searching
information
Change preposition
for information
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, easily bring somewhere,.... Thereby, mobile phones
also
 help
public
Add an article
the public
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 get more conditions to improve their living standards.
however
, addiction is still one of the big problems
smartphones
 bring to humans. They believe that the smartphone will not help them concentrate on their work and are easily addicted to some games online or social networking sites.
This
 may be true, but
that is
 a convenient way to help people find directions, especially
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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Correct pronoun usage
who is
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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high-tech drivers nowadays.
As a result
,
smartphones
 are still the way to help
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 easily contact together. Taking all points into account, the positive impact of mobile phones is outweighed by the
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
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it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 bring to individuals.
Hence
,
smartphones
 can give some benefits to presidents.

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coherence cohesion
It's important to structure your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your introduction could more clearly state the thesis statement. Each body paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and the ideas should flow logically with appropriate paragraphing.
coherence cohesion
Work on concluding your essay more effectively by summarizing the points made rather than introducing new ideas or repeating the same points without synthesis.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples or evidence; they were vague in this essay. Specific examples help to demonstrate the wider implications or applications of your argument and make your writing more persuasive.
task achievement
The task requires you to present a clear argument which balances the advantages and disadvantages. Your essay needs to demonstrate this balance more explicitly by discussing both sides and then clearly stating which one you think is more significant, supported by examples or explanations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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