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Writing Samples
Band 6

some people say that young people are much more influenced by their friend than their parents or teachers. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #friend #parents #teachers
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A group of individuals presents the view that youngsters are affected by their
friends
 much more compared with their families and supervisors. To me,
this
 perspective seems unreasonable, especially when considering both the amount of time we spend with our parents and
teachers
 and scientific reasons. It is my view that since parents and
teachers
 spend more time with teenagers, children are very likely to be affected by their behaviour and manners.
For example
, I can vividly remember that when my late grandfather decided to donate a sizeable amount of money to a charity, his decision had a long-lasting influence on me because we used to get along very well and he was my role model.
Conversely
, a friend of mine who was a really thrifty person, being reluctant to help those in need, failed to change my mind about being generous.
Furthermore
, our
teachers
 teach us not only the importance of moral values but
also
 the significance of being productive;
therefore
, their influence on our lives is definitely permanent, even if we find it difficult to realize it.
In contrast
, another group of people claims that, as opposed to children and their parents, there is
not an
Rephrase
no
show examples
 age gap between teenagers and their
friends
, acting as a driving force to mimic their peers
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
 they admire.
However
, I do not find
this
 argument as convincing as it appears to overlook both the genetic science and the reality that we usually take after those who are there for us.
Firstly
,
According to
 a recent study,
although
friends
 can have a subtle effect on our behaviour, it is temporary. It is
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
genetics that make a difference.
Friends
 come and go, but as it says blood is thicker than water.
Secondly
, usually, when something bad comes up, our
friends
 cannot support us as much as our
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
; they do not have enough knowledge and resources.
To conclude
, I completely disagree with the presented view because we usually have more quality time with our family and
teachers
.
Moreover
,
friends
 usually fail to support us or teach us valuable life lessons
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with family and
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
.
Submitted by m.r.zamani1376678 on

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task achievement
Ensure the introduction clearly presents the topic and your position. While your introduction mentions a perspective you find 'unreasonable,' it could directly state your agreement or disagreement with the statement.
task achievement
Work on constructing well-developed paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea with examples that are directly relevant and developed with more detail.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices effectively to structure your essay. While you show proficiency in this, there's room to enhance the logical flow and improve the connection between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Mind occasional lapses in grammar or vocabulary choices that could potentially impede comprehension. Be sure to review and refine your usage for accuracy and range.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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