IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Governments should ban dangerous sports. Others think that people should have the freedom to do any sport activity. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#governments #ban #sports #people #freedom #sport #activity
It is becoming more and more popular these days for
people
 to participate in extreme
sports
.
While
 there are some
people
 who believe that everyone should have the right to take part in
such
sports
, I believe that the government should ban these dangerous
activities
. On one hand, many
people
 may argue that an outright ban on dangerous
sports
 by the government would be an infringement upon
people
’s freedoms and their right to choose how to live their lives.
While
 some may view these kinds of
activities
 as being reckless fun pursued by thrill-seeking adrenaline junkies, other
people
 gain a lot of personal benefit and fulfilment from certain extreme
sports
. There have even been many cases where extreme
sports
 have saved particular athletes from a wasted life of drugs and alcohol, allowing them to channel their energy into a more worthwhile pursuit. By focusing on developing themselves through performing
high risk
Add a hyphen
high-risk
show examples
activities
, many athletes have managed to turn their lives around for the better.
However
, not only do extreme
sports
 place the participants at a high risk of serious injury, but
also
 innocent bystanders and impressionable young children. These days, social media platforms
such
 as Facebook, Tik Tok, and Instagram, are full of videos containing extreme
sports
 and
people
 performing risky behaviour. These types of videos can be highly influential, particularly on young
people
 who try to imitate the behaviour and end up injuring themselves and others. By banning extreme
sports
, governments are helping to protect the lives of thousands of young
people
 around the world who put themselves at great risk of injury, hindering their chances
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 developing their full potential in other fields of sport, academia, or career. In conclusion,
while
 some believe that everyone has the right to choose what
activities
 they partake in, I believe it is the government’s duty to protect its citizens from harm, and
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
show examples
 they should ban extreme
sports
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
You've managed to organize your essay into paragraphs, and there is a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the essay requires clearer topic sentences and more explicit connections between ideas. Work on connecting sentences and paragraphs more seamlessly.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the task adequately including the opinion, though the development for both sides of the argument could have been more balanced and thorough. Each paragraph should distinctly address a unique point supporting your stance. Providing more specific examples would strengthen your argument and increase task achievement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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