IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people today know more about international pop or movie stars than about famous people in the history of their own country. Why is this? What can be done to increase young people’s interest in famous people in the history of their country?

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Nowadays some individuals are interested in foreign celebrities'
soul
Fix the agreement mistake
souls
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instead
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 of honoured heroes of their own motherland. The root causes of
this
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 issue are boring
history
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lessons
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 at
school
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 and the high demand
of
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for
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 social media.
Firstly
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,
this
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 essay will discuss the causes of
this
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 problem,
secondly
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, it will explain why organizing cultural events is an effective way to solve
this
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 issue. First of all,
history
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lessons
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 at
school
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 should be organized as engaging as possible because
to
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apply
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not
do
Wrong verb form
doing
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 so, we can lose the motivation of the
students
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 to learn about the
history
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 of their own country.
In other words
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, the method which the teachers use in their
lessons
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 plays an important role in how the
students
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 get the information.
For instance
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major
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a major
the major
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 number of pupils in Kazakhstan schools are not interested in
history
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 classes because of the boring, traditional method which teachers are using
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 today. Another most likely cause of the accident could be the widespread usage of social media platforms
such
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 as TikTok and Instagram.
For instance
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, nowadays almost 90% of teenagers use public networks 24\7 and most content is about foreign country stars. Considering all aspects of a situation, the effective way of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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solution could be conducting engaging ethical events at
school
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.
While
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 conducting it, teachers can use various types of interesting methods
such
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 as watching videos, research tasks with groups, or acting
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history
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out history
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characters
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characters'
character's
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 to make the
students
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 engaged in the process of learning
history
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.
In addition
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, the exciting life at
school
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 could help them to get more involved at
school
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instead
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 of using phones at the
lessons
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.
To conclude
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, it can be
finally
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 commented that not having exciting
history
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lessons
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 at
school
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 and utilising social networks can lead to forgetting their country heroes and to getting more information about celebrities from abroad, but a possible solution could be to engage
students
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 in
school
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 life with the help of ethnic events.

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introduction conclusion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and a conclusion. Both sections need to be distinct and summarize your main points effectively. The introduction should outline the main ideas you will discuss, and the conclusion should summarize your overall argument or solution without introducing new information.
logical structure
Improve logical structure by using coherent paragraphing and a clear progression of ideas. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and be followed by supporting information or arguments. Transitions between paragraphs should be smooth and logical, guiding the reader through your essay.
supported main points
Make sure to support your main points with relevant examples or evidence. While your essay touched upon some examples, there is a room for providing more specific and detailed examples to strengthen your argument.
complete response
Ensure that your response fully addresses all parts of the task. You have provided an adequate response to both parts of the question, discussing the reasons for the problem and suggesting a solution. However, elaborating further on these points would enhance the completeness of your answer.
clear comprehensive ideas
Aim to express your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. While your essay presents a response to the task, some ideas could be explained in more depth or clarity to better address the question and demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to reinforce your points. Using examples from a wider range of sources or providing more detailed instances could help to solidify your arguments and make them more convincing to the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pervasive
  • Globalized media
  • Social media platforms
  • Contemporary culture
  • Glamorous
  • Educational curriculum
  • Multimedia resources
  • National pride
  • Exhibitions
  • Engaging storytelling
  • Interactive apps
  • Historical figures
  • Narratives
  • Celebrations
  • Underemphasizing
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