IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some parents believe that cell phones are harmful to children, while others disagree. What is your opinion?

#parents #cell #phones #children
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, many parents are giving their
children
Use synonyms
 cell
phones
Use synonyms
 and other
gadgets
Use synonyms
 as their 'toys'.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon is really arguable by many experts.
Although
Linking Words
phones
Use synonyms
 and
gadgets
Use synonyms
 bring
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 to
children
Use synonyms
, there are drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using them in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long term. I believe
children
Use synonyms
 are not ready yet to use that because of its negative effects. Many studies have proved that the use of
phones
Use synonyms
 affects user health, especially at an early age. Some
researches
Correct your spelling
researchers
show examples
 stated that
children
Use synonyms
 who play with their
phones
Use synonyms
 all day are more likely to have eye and ear problems.
For example
Linking Words
, there are many
children
Use synonyms
 with
eyes problem
Fix the agreement mistake
eye problems
show examples
 and force them to use glasses.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 because their eyes are not yet developed.
Thus
Linking Words
,
continously
Correct your spelling
continuously
continuous
 phone usage by
children
Use synonyms
 is a long-term risk towards their health.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, based on the true story,
children
Use synonyms
 who are befriended by
gadgets
Use synonyms
 are
also
Linking Words
 impacted by cognitive and mental problems. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
, the golden age should befriend with real person to communicate and learn with. But those who played with those are mentally degradable and have a tendency to ignore real people and please their desire to always hold
gadgets
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, I would never give any modern
gadgets
Use synonyms
 to my inheritance when they are not ready yet.
To conclude
Linking Words
, regarding those negative impacts on
children
Use synonyms
, parents should be more conservative about what they give and take from
children
Use synonyms
 for the sake of their good. Parents
also
Linking Words
 need to be strict about what is best for their kids in
this
Linking Words
 modern world.
Submitted by aghnia.ulhaq on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
To improve the logical structure of the essay, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion encapsulate the main argument. The introduction should clearly state your opinion, and the conclusion should summarize your key points without introducing new information.
Coherence & Cohesion
To strengthen the support for your main points, include specific and detailed examples or evidence. Abstract statements need concrete backing, so try to include quantifiable data, studies, or real-life instances where possible.
Task Achievement
For a complete response to the task, ensure that you address all parts of the question. Balance your essay by discussing both sides of the argument, even if you have a strong opinion one way.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas fully to ensure clarity and depth. Longer essays are not always better, but each idea introduced should be explored and explained fully.
Task Achievement
Include a variety of relevant examples to provide evidence for your claims. Avoid generalizations and strive for specific details, which add credibility to your argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: