IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some parents believe that cell phones are harmful to children, while others disagree. What is your opinion?

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Nowadays, many parents are giving their
children
Use synonyms
 cell
phones
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 and other
gadgets
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 as their 'toys'.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon is really arguable by many experts.
Although
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phones
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 and
gadgets
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 bring
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 to
children
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, there are drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using them in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 long term. I believe
children
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 are not ready yet to use that because of its negative effects. Many studies have proved that the use of
phones
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 affects user health, especially at an early age. Some
researches
Correct your spelling
researchers
show examples
 stated that
children
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 who play with their
phones
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 all day are more likely to have eye and ear problems.
For example
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, there are many
children
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 with
eyes problem
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eye problems
show examples
 and force them to use glasses.
This
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 phenomenon
happen
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happens
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 because their eyes are not yet developed.
Thus
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,
continously
Correct your spelling
continuously
continuous
 phone usage by
children
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 is a long-term risk towards their health.
Furthermore
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, based on the true story,
children
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 who are befriended by
gadgets
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 are
also
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 impacted by cognitive and mental problems. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
, the golden age should befriend with real person to communicate and learn with. But those who played with those are mentally degradable and have a tendency to ignore real people and please their desire to always hold
gadgets
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.
Thus
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, I would never give any modern
gadgets
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 to my inheritance when they are not ready yet.
To conclude
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, regarding those negative impacts on
children
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, parents should be more conservative about what they give and take from
children
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 for the sake of their good. Parents
also
Linking Words
 need to be strict about what is best for their kids in
this
Linking Words
 modern world.

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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve the logical structure of the essay, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your argument effectively.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion encapsulate the main argument. The introduction should clearly state your opinion, and the conclusion should summarize your key points without introducing new information.
Coherence & Cohesion
To strengthen the support for your main points, include specific and detailed examples or evidence. Abstract statements need concrete backing, so try to include quantifiable data, studies, or real-life instances where possible.
Task Achievement
For a complete response to the task, ensure that you address all parts of the question. Balance your essay by discussing both sides of the argument, even if you have a strong opinion one way.
Task Achievement
Develop your ideas fully to ensure clarity and depth. Longer essays are not always better, but each idea introduced should be explored and explained fully.
Task Achievement
Include a variety of relevant examples to provide evidence for your claims. Avoid generalizations and strive for specific details, which add credibility to your argument.
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