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Band 5

Student leave high school without leaving the way how to manage their money. What are the reason and solution of this issues?

#student #school #money #reason
One of
most
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the most
show examples
 important
skills
 in today's society which everything craves for
money
 is budget management. With all the false advertisements that make unnecessary products fit in your life, it is inevitable for you to make
mistake
Correct article usage
a mistake
show examples
 spending your
money
 if you have not
learn
Change the verb form
learned
show examples
 how to manage it. There are various causes and solutions for
this
 issue which can be put through. One of the main reasons for the lack of knowledge in budget management is the holes in
educational
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the educational
show examples
 system. The schools cover
vast
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a vast
the vast
show examples
 amount of science but not the most important ones, including social
skills
 and
economy
.
Hence
,
highschool
Correct your spelling
high school
show examples
 graduates have to learn these fundamental
skills
 in practice and by experience.
This
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 them some damages that cannot be covered easily.
Therefore
, there must be some courses
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
basic
Add an article
the basic
show examples
economy
 in
highschools
Correct your spelling
high schools
show examples
 to teach students
take
Add the particle
to take
show examples
 control
over
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
money
 and avoid using it in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 way that
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them regret
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
 the future. One of the other reasons for
this
 issue is that parents do not prepare their children to manage their funds. When parents start to give the
kids
pucket
Correct your spelling
pocket
money
 and make them buy some of their necessities with it and save some of it, children slowly learn the value of
money
 and they make sure not to spend it in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 wrong way. If students suddenly be thrown
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society with no
exprerience
Correct your spelling
experience
 of how to take care of their
pucket
Correct your spelling
pocket
, it is natural if they fail
managing
Change the verb form
to manage
show examples
 it and always be short of
money
 with a proper amount of it at the beginning.
Thus
, parents should be aware to prepare the
kids
 for keeping their
money
 and
learn
Verb problem
teach
show examples
 them that
money
 does not grow on a tree.
Overall
, we can say that the lack of
skills
 in managing
money
 in students is caused by the weakness in both school's educational system and guardian's
carelesness
Correct your spelling
carelessness
 in teaching their
kids
economy
. Both of them must be aware of
this
 important issue. Schools should have basic
economy
 courses and
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 should encourage
kids
of using
Change preposition
to use
show examples
 pocket
money
 in a suitable way.
Submitted by mohamad.sanaye462 on

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction provides a clear topic, but could benefit from a clearer statement on the structure of the essay. Try introducing your main points briefly in the introduction to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from better organization and paragraph structure. Make sure each paragraph focuses on one main idea and uses cohesive devices to link ideas and sentences more effectively for better readability.
task achievement
For higher scores, ensure that your main points within the essay are supported by specific examples or evidence. This essay includes general statements but lacks detailed examples to support your points.
task achievement
Your task achievement is good as you address both causes and solutions; however, it's important to fully develop your ideas and provide a more in-depth analysis to achieve a higher score. Aim to explore your points more comprehensively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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