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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

countries should produce food beyond all the population eats without importing, agree or disagree

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Producing food only for their population is important and there is no need to
importing
Wrong verb form
import
show examples
products
Use synonyms
 is not required,
countries
Use synonyms
 should produce their demanded
products
Use synonyms
 which is required of
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
. I do not agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea, because producing
products
Use synonyms
 only for locals limits worldwide income which can be earned from
international
Add an article
the international
show examples
 market.
First,
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 can
use
Use synonyms
 various foods from importing
products
Use synonyms
inlcuding
Correct your spelling
including
 vitamins and proteins that are not common in certain
countries
Use synonyms
. These days, it is important to
use
Use synonyms
 those high quality
products
Use synonyms
 in order to
being
Change the verb
be
show examples
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
healthy and energetic.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 those importing
products
Use synonyms
 with quality rather than local brands.
For example
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 often
use
Use synonyms
avacoda
Correct your spelling
avocado
 and salmon for breakfast which
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 many vitamins needed for humans.
However
Linking Words
, these are not available to buy from Mongolia,
therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 purchase them from importing
products
Use synonyms
. Another reason is that if
people
Use synonyms
use
Use synonyms
 importing
products
Use synonyms
, the world economy will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
expand. It means that if
Use synonyms
country
Add an article
a country
the country
show examples
 can supply foreign sales, the state will be developed quickly.
This
Linking Words
 is because international sales generally require more
products
Use synonyms
 in order to meet worldwide
consumers'
Fix the agreement mistake
consumer'
show examples
demand
Fix the agreement mistake
demands
show examples
,
as a
Linking Words
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 companies earn more money.
Above all
Linking Words
, concerning these benefits,
countries
Use synonyms
 should make various
products
Use synonyms
, not only for local residents.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
countries
Use synonyms
 try to supply all
products
Use synonyms
 that
required
Add a missing verb
are required
show examples
their
Change preposition
by their
show examples
 citizens in their
country
Use synonyms
. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 some
importing
Change the form of the verb
imported
show examples
products
Use synonyms
 are expensive,
therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can not purchase them; despite
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 need
those
Change preposition
for those
show examples
products
Use synonyms
. If there is a chance to produce those foods in their
country
Use synonyms
, it would be beneficial for both sides including manufacturers and consumers,
However
Linking Words
, usually, most local
products
Use synonyms
 can not manufacture various
products
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 tend to
Use synonyms
use importing
Wrong verb form
import
show examples
products
Use synonyms
 that
affects
Change the verb form
affect
show examples
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
 economy negatively.
To conclude
Linking Words
, If
countries
Use synonyms
supplying
Wrong verb form
supply
show examples
 all their demanded
products
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their residents,
this
Linking Words
 would be
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 development.
However
Linking Words
, companies broadening consumers
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
worldwide means
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
earning more income which would affect positively
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
country
Use synonyms
's economy.

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Introduction and Conclusion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear, concise, and summarize the main points of your argument effectively. The introduction did not clearly paraphrase the question or state your position, and the conclusion could have been stronger in summarizing the discussion.
Paragraph Development
Work on the development of paragraphs by ensuring there is a central idea followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. This adds depth to the analysis and helps maintain focus on the topic at hand.
Relevance to the Topic
Your answer must consistently address the question throughout your response. There were moments in your essay where the relevance of the information provided to the topic could have been made clearer.
Linking Devices
Use a range of linking devices to create cohesion within and between paragraphs. This essay demonstrated a basic use of connectors, but could benefit from more varied and sophisticated devices.
Sentence Structure
Incorporate a variety of complex sentence structures to demonstrate linguistic range and enhance the readability of the text. The use of complex sentences was limited in this essay, and greater variety could improve the overall coherence.
Supporting Examples
Be sure to fully support your main points with specific examples and detailed explanations. While some attempts were made, further development and elaboration on these examples could have strengthened the argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • food self-sufficiency
  • national security
  • economic resilience
  • local food production
  • sustainable agriculture
  • overproduction
  • food waste
  • inefficiency
  • import dependency
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