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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that the amount of noise that people make should be strictly controlled. Others say that people should be free to make as much noise as they wish. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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People
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 argue that
noises
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 should be controlled.
While
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 others said, that
people
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 freely create
noises
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 as much as they want. In general, Creating noise is classified as
one
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 of the human rights. Whilst, as the
people
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 who live in the society, we have to care about the other human being. I firmly believe to create a better environment, we have to ensure
people
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 around us are not getting disturbance by how many sounds we create.
Hence
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,
noises
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 should be controlled.
While
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 none of the laws take
this
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 into account, I am confident that
noises
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 have been regulated by social norms and ethics.
For instance
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, none of the regulations tells us to lower our
voices
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 during the night on our home balcony,
However
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, since social norms naturally run through us, They unintentionally talk in lower
voices
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instead
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 of laughing hard to undisturbed neighbours from getting awake in the night.
On the other hand
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, I believe creating noise is considered
one
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 of the human rights.
This
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 means,
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people
Correct word choice
that people
show examples
 are free to hubbub as much as they want.
However
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, I think it is likely that
this
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 happen in public areas, namely: parks, theme parks, and other public open spaces. It is considered as annoying if anyone interrupts
people
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due to
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 their
voices
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 in public areas.
One
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 of many examples that came from my personal experience is when my youngest brother used to talk out loud during our play in the theme park. And of course, I answered him happily.
In contrast
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, there was another visitor who said to me "You're so annoying, you disturb others". Meanwhile, there was not a visitor who complained like she did. In conclusion, I feel that creating noise is
one
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 of the human rights. Everyone deserves to choose whether they remain silent or they want to create loud
voices
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 as they want.
However
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, location should be a consideration.

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Introduction Structure
Your essay begins with a clear introduction of the topic, although it could benefit from a more sophisticated structure that introduces both sides of the argument before presenting your thesis statement.
Logical Flow and Clear Transitions
In terms of coherence, you should focus on clearer transitions between ideas, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is expanded upon with explanations and examples. The logical flow of information can be improved.
Conclusion Reinforcement
The conclusion successfully restates your position, but it can be strengthened by summarizing both views concisely and your reasons for siding with your opinion.
Development of Main Points
Continue to develop your main points with more varied and complex sentence structures. You made an attempt to support your main points with examples, yet these examples should be more fully developed and explicitly connected to the argument to enhance your position.
Support and Clarification
Be careful with expressions of general opinions, such as 'Creating noise is classified as one of the human rights.' These statements require further clarification, definition, and support.
Depth of Argument
Task accomplishment can be improved by fully addressing all parts of the prompt. While you provide opinions on both views and your own stance, make sure you delve into the 'why' behind your reasoning and the potential wider implications of your arguments.
Grammatical Accuracy
Be mindful of punctuation and grammar. While understandable, the essay contains several grammatical errors that could be revised for improved clarity and academic tone.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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