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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the experiences a child has before starting school have the most influence on their future life. Others say that experiences as a teenager, especially at school, are more influential. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

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Thought by some people that the experiences before starting
school
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 are a golden age for influencing a child's
future
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life
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while
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 other argues the opposite view which is
as
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that
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 a teenager at
school
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 more influential experience. In my opinion, I agree with both perspectives since each step has the best role and position for developing the personality of
human
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a human
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.In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will describe both reasons. First of all, accomplishment by someone has been influenced by many factors including the experiences that they receive. Before studying, a juvenile will learn a lot of new things about basic activities of
life
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such
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 as not only talking, walking, and eating, but
also
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 their emotional system will increase drastically in
this
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 moment.
However
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, in their
future
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school
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, the children will learn more about talent but people cannot deny that the first step of progress is extremely essential to develop the Emotional Quotient (EQ) which is useful for their
future
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 careers.
Secondly
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, as a student, the
lesson
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lessons
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 of
life
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 will be different when they are kids. At
this
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 moment, Intelligence Quotient (IQ) is the most characteristic that will improve in
life
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 personality.
In other words
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,
teacher
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teachers
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 at
school
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 encourage adolescents to has ability on critical thinking and creative thinking which
prepare
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prepares
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 them for their
future
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job
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jobs
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.
For instance
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, as a teenager in
school
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, they learn about many subjects
such
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 as math, sports, social, and other science material.
To sum up
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, milestones in children's lives are influenced by the whole process that leads the children to analyse their talents and the value of their lives including before, during and after
school
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.

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task achievement
Your essay touches on relevant points but lacks depth and clarity. Ideas should be more precisely articulated and fully developed to directly address the question.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of the essay could be improved. Connecting phrases should smoothly lead from one idea to another, making sure each paragraph transitions naturally to the next.
introduction conclusion
Expand the introduction with a clearer thesis statement that expresses your opinion more explicitly, and ensure the conclusion effectively summarises your argument.
supported main points
Use more relevant and detailed examples to strengthen your main points and provide evidence for your arguments.
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