IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned while others think people should be free to choose. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sports
There are competing views on whether dangerous
sports
 should be banned or not.
Although
 there always
danger
Replace the word
dangerous
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situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
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 in these
sports
, I still think that the
sports
 should
be exist
Change the verb form
exist
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 because the joiners have awareness of the risks. On the one hand, it is argued by some that extreme
sports
 should be banned because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 can
danger
Verb problem
endanger
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 one's life. Many people who
contributed
Wrong verb form
contribute
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 to
such
sports
 may
expose
Wrong verb form
be exposed
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with
Change preposition
to
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 the unexpected dangers they may face,
such
 as serious
injures
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injuries
show examples
 or even deaths when performing those activities.
For example
, it is common to see motor racing athletes often experience bike malfunction or fatal
crash
Fix the agreement mistake
crashes
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 in the racing area, resulting in
life time
Correct your spelling
lifetime
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 disability and mortality.
However
, I disagree with the argument because the risk could be reduced by safety procedures that must be followed by athletes.
On the other hand
, others agree that every person has
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 free will to opt for
Correct article usage
a specific
show examples
specific
Correct article usage
a specific
show examples
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 of
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
show examples
sports
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
show examples
 because they
fully
Add a missing verb
are fully
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 aware of the
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 of the
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
show examples
sports
Fix the agreement mistake
sport
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. Before joining the dangerous activity, these people must follow the
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
 or even
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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certifications. These procedures are held to give extensive knowledge that should be known and to prevent
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
accidents that may happen.
For instance
, people should have diving certification first before
perform
Change the verb form
performing
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 diving in the sea.
This
 includes the breathing techniques and the use of the diving gear itself.
Thus
, the newcomers are taught important knowledge and they would know how to handle the
danger
Replace the word
dangerous
show examples
 situation properly. I agree with
this
 argument because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sports
 always have procedures and rules. In conclusion,
while
 the risks associated with extreme
sports
are exist
Change the verb form
exist
show examples
, the freedom
in choosing
Change preposition
to choose
show examples
sports
 should be encouraged because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 safety rules that followed.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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introduction conclusion present
Ensure the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction should introduce the topic and briefly outline both views and your opinion, while the conclusion should summarize the points made and reiterate your opinion.
clear comprehensive ideas
Develop your ideas more fully with detailed explanations. There's a need for more in-depth analysis and explanation of why people have these different viewpoints and why individuals might be aware of the risks involved with dangerous sports but choose to participate anyhow.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate more specific examples to support your points. While you mentioned some scenarios, further real-life case studies or statistics would strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a deeper level of understanding.
logical structure
Work on organizing your essay with clear and logical progression between ideas. Each body paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that introduces the key idea of the paragraph, followed by explanation and example.
supported main points
Connect your ideas and sentences with cohesive devices appropriately, but also ensure to avoid repetition and redundancy. Consistent and varied use of linking words as well as paragraphing can greatly enhance the readability and organization of your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
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  • incentives
  • obesity
  • recreation
  • well-being
  • peer pressure
  • physical fitness
  • endurance
  • balance
  • teamwork
  • coordination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • discipline
  • facilities
  • accessible
  • affordable
  • curriculum
  • extracurricular
  • inclusion
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