IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
An increasing number of
people
 having medical
conditions
 are seeking other ways to cure themselves than seeing their doctor. I reckon
this
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 a
permistic
Correct your spelling
pessimistic
permission
 movement since things have not been
proved
Correct your spelling
proven
show examples
 by science yet but just public belief can
have
Add the particle
have to
show examples
 counteract effects on these
people
's health
instead
 of actually saving them from their current illness and nobody is taking
responsibily
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 for their worse
conditions
 is
also
 a concern. Though there are some cases where
people
 successfully got rid of certain
sickness
Fix the agreement mistake
sicknesses
show examples
 thanks to some unknown and undiscovered treatments heard from others
such
 as some random herbs, the likelihood of those seeing no improvement or even being in
worse
Correct article usage
a worse
show examples
 situation is still more noticeable.
Additionally
, these alternative treatment methods have not yet been tested out or gone through any experiments to prove their qualification can poison the blindly trusting
people
 because of their inherent lack of understanding
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 current medical situation in comparison to medical specialists.
For example
, in China where there is still a majority of patients especially the elderly not trusting Western medicines would work for their health, a growing number of
death
Fix the agreement mistake
deaths
show examples
 by 12% resulting from self-treatments for COVID-19 is reported in 2020. On
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
another note, speaking of the accountability for these
people
's worsened
conditions
 not being taken by any professionals but themselves, it seems to me as a downward development. Medical experts working hard by the time to shed
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
light on the darkness of illness are not for us to abandon their
discovers
Replace the word
discoveries
show examples
 and go for our myths that nobody has proved their qualification. As soon as things get out of control, surely they will go to see doctors again where said specialists often find it is too late to fix the problems.
For instance
, there are cases in
Southest
Correct your spelling
Southeast
 Asia
that
Correct word choice
where
show examples
 obese women used unknown
weight reducing
Add a hyphen
weight-reducing
show examples
 supplements bought online
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
 ended up being sent to hospitals with stomach damage. For the above reasons, I do not see any logic following random alternative treatments than seeing a doctor. Doctors following our health
conditions
 on a regular basis and tracking their improvement should be ones being able to make the situation better or at least not worse. On top of that, the fact that negative outcomes are unpredicted and minimized by anyone when self-treatments can go wrong is just crazy to step on that path.
Submitted by camcat.viking on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction/Conclusion
Ensure that your introduction summarizes the main points of your argument and clearly addresses the essay prompt. Your conclusion should be distinct and effectively summarize your viewpoint.
Logical Structure
Your essay should have a clear and logical structure, with paragraphing used effectively to organize ideas coherently. Transition words should be used to smoothly connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
Supported Main Points
Support main points with clear explanations and relevant examples. Avoid general statements without supportive evidence.
Complete Response
Ensure that your response answers all parts of the question, provides a clear opinion, and covers the topic fully. Avoid repeating the same ideas.
Clear Comprehensive Ideas
Present ideas in a clear, organised way. Avoid overly complex sentences and check for grammatical accuracy to make ideas comprehensible. Your argument should progress logically from one point to the next.
Relevant Specific Examples
Include relevant, specific examples or evidence to back up your viewpoints. Avoid anecdotal evidence that may not be universally understood or accepted without official sources or research.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!