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Writing Samples
Band 6

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amount of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brough up by wealthy parents. to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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There is a popular idea around the world that
children
 who are brought up in
families
 that do not have a large amount of
money
 are better prepared to deal with the
problems
 of adult life than
children
 brought up by wealthy parents, which is completely wrong to me because in my view
children
 in wealthy
families
 might be better to deal with the
problems
, and I will shed light on the reasons below.
to begin
 with, always
children
 in rich
families
 are well educated which can help them to face rough situations.
for example
 when I was I child I remember vividly that someday I came to my teacher to ask her how I could convince my parent to take me to my friend's party, and she told me many tricks for that. I would not have
this
 self-confidence without asking for expert advice,
moreoverwell-educated
Correct your spelling
moreover well-educated
moreover-well-educated
 will give the
children
 the opportunity to build their network with those who have the same knowledge and social level.
As a result
 that will definitely encourage them to be prepared to deal with
problems
 in the
future
. Another noteworthy observation is that parents in rich
families
 have more ability to provide skills in
money
 management to their kids.
For instance
, they can open a savings account in the bank for them and teach them how they can have a huge amount in the bank and how that can affect their
future
 if they want to work with their own business.
hence
money
 management is an essential skill to consider the value of
money
 and how it can be beneficial to them,
although
 that will help them to deal with
money
problems
 in the
future
. in conclusion, now it is strongly clear that good education and
money
 management can help
children
 be prepared to deal with
future
problems
.
Thus
, all parents around the world should give their best to provide a healthy environment to grow up well for their
children
.
Submitted by shoda1590 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement for clarity. Main points should be distinct and paragraphs should logically follow one another to guide the reader through your argument. Consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and transition words or phrases between ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
The presence of an introduction and conclusion is noted, but they could be more effectively constructed. The introduction should clearly state the essay's main argument and set the tone for the discussion, while the conclusion should summarize the points and restate your position, giving the reader a clear and final understanding of your viewpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your main points are supported, but they could be further developed with more precise examples and elaboration. Try to provide concrete evidence or detailed illustrations to back up each point you make, which will strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive and informative for the reader.
Task Achievement
You have completed the response to the question, but there could be a more thorough exploration of the prompt. Make sure to address all parts of the task and construct an argument that fully covers the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement, presenting a balanced view if needed.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are clear, but can be expressed more comprehensively. Aim for depth in your essay by expanding on each point with extensive analysis and incorporating diverse perspectives when relevant. This will demonstrate your understanding of the topic and your ability to think critically.
Task Achievement
Examples used in the essay are relevant but need to be more specific and pertinent to your argument. Examples should be directly linked to the points you are making and should illustrate your claims in a way that is unmistakable for the reader.
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