IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters hat affect them. Discuss both and give your own opinion.

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Many people say that we should allow
children
Use synonyms
 to make their own choices in day-to-day activities
such
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 as clothes ,food and watching television programs make them self-oriented.
While
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 other people think making their own decisions would help them be independent and more confident . In
this
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 essay,I will discuss both views with some examples from newspapers and journals and give my opinion.
To begin
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 with ,Nowadays,
children
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 are very smart and independent they always want to do everything as per their wish because of a few reasons .
Firstly
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, young kids are spending more and more time on the Internet
such
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 as social sites and watching TV. Even though they are taking their academic classes online it is helpful for them to learn many good things.
In addition
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 , these days fathers and mothers both are working to have a better living
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
standard in society.
For Example
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 ,a recent survey done by the Times of India revealed that in Japan 80% of young
children
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 are making decisions on their own and they are extremely happy and living joyful independent lives.
As a result
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 , Japan is one of the most developed countries in the entire world and holds a top economy too.
On the other hand
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 , As teenagers age
is growing
Wrong verb form
,
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 age and
children
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 are not mature enough to make the right decision every time. Parents should help and advise them if they are on the wrong path.
For example
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 ,My neighbour's son is in 10th class and he wants to pursue his studies in Art as a main subject in his higher classes because of his friends .
Therefore
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 ,he is very good at maths. After his parents and teacher counselling him
then
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 he agrees to Maths as a core subject.
To conclude
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 , In my opinion, we should allow
children
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 to make their own decisions
then
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 only they become independent , confident and task achievers in their life but parents should monitor whether they have made the right decision or not.

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coherence cohesion
While your essay provides a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, the logical flow of ideas could be improved. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that subsequent sentences build upon it to enhance understanding. Transition smoothly between ideas and use a range of linking devices effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed the task by discussing both views and giving your own opinion, but your argument could be more fully developed. Provide more detailed reasoning, offer further elaboration, and include a wider range of relevant, specific examples to strengthen your essay. Ensure that the examples you provide are directly related to the main argument in each paragraph.
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