IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that living in big cities is bad for people’s health. To what some extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #cities #people’s #health
In recent years, the issue of detrimental influence on
health
 caused by residing in megacities has gained significant attention. I would contend that I am an advocate of
this
 notion. It is obvious to note that
air
 pollution in metropolises can pose a great threat to residents’ respiratory systems.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that polluted
air
, stemming from a myriad of factors
such
 as emissions released from vehicles or the combustion of fossil fuels, can cause asthma problems or even lung cancers which do great damage to inhabitants’
health
.
For instance
, a recent report showed that Hanoi, the capital of Vietnam, is recorded as the first rank city in
air
 contamination level in the whole world.
Hence
, inhabiting metropolitan areas can have a harmful impact on citizens’ well-being
due to
 the contaminated
air
.
While
 the adverse effect of living in urban areas is widely acknowledged, it is undeniable that the authorities in megacities have put effort into applying considerable protective measures for the residents’
health
. The explanation for
this
 is that the healthcare systems in these places are invested
in
Change preposition
apply
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with a great amount of money to be equipped with top-notch facilities and modern medical technologies. To be more specific, medical
centers
Change the spelling
centres
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such
 as Hanoi Medical University Hospital, or Bach Mai Hospitals can be cited as compelling instances
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 leading hospitals that are entrusted by many Vietnamese people to take care of their
health
.
Therefore
, it is evident that maintaining inhabitants’ well-being is of necessity to the state. In conclusion,
although
 contaminated
air
 in urbanized
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 can act as a disturbance to people’s welfare, it is essential to recognize the attempt to protect the citizens by the governments.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Try to include more specific details in your examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, providing statistical data or studies related to healthcare improvements in megacities can give your essay more weight.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure the balance of contrasting points is maintained. While you provided points on both sides of the argument, some sections could benefit from further development to make your stance clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Refrain from using repetitive phrases such as "Hanoi Medical University Hospital, or Bach Mai Hospitals...". Instead, use different ways to express similar points, which will enhance the readability of your essay.
introduction
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the ensuing discussion and establishes a clear opinion.
logical structure
The essay is generally well-organized with appropriate paragraphing, making it easy to follow the writer's points.
task achievement
Each main idea is supported with relevant examples, which contributes to a clear and comprehensible argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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