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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below show the the information about male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010.

The chart below show the the information about male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010.
#show #information #gym #membership
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The graph gives information on
men
Use synonyms
 and women in amount of membership in
Use synonyms
gym
Fix the agreement mistake
gyms
show examples
 between 1980 to 2010. It is clearly seen that the
member
Correct your spelling
number
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
 reached
a
Change the word
its
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 highest point
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2005
for
Change preposition
on
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 around 5000,
whereas
Linking Words
 the membership of women in
Use synonyms
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
show examples
 reached 2900 in 2005. In detail, the membership of
men
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
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 sharply rose to around 4000 between 1980 to 1985 which rapidly
drops
Wrong verb form
dropped
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 to about 1800 in 1995.
moreover
Linking Words
, the amount of
men
Use synonyms
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
skyrocket
Replace the word
skyrocketed
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
quicky
Correct your spelling
quickly
show examples
climbed
Wrong verb form
climbing
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 to almost 5000 in 2005, but after that, the
member
Correct your spelling
number
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
gym
Fix the agreement mistake
gyms
show examples
has
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
quick drop
Replace the word
quickly dropped
show examples
 to around 700 in 2010.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the amount of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 steadily
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
 from 1000 to 2800 between 1980 to 1995
while
Linking Words
 a slight drop to around 2500 in 2000.
In addition
Linking Words
, a significant climb back to around 2800 in 2005 which a slight decrease to around 1900 in 2010.
Submitted by rosolook on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, gym with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "climbed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "drops" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • chart, line graph, bar chart
  • depicts, shows, represents
  • male and female gym membership
  • 30-year period
  • significant increase/decrease
  • stable period, plateau
  • trends and patterns
  • compared to, in contrast with
  • rising trend, upward trajectory
  • plummeted, declined sharply
  • remained steady, fluctuated slightly
  • widened gap, narrowing gap
  • membership figures, subscription rates
  • peaked, reached a high
  • bottomed out, reached a low
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