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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below show the the information about male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010.

The chart below show the the information about male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010.
#show #information #gym #membership
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the line chart gives us information about men and women who
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
were membership in
Use synonyms
gym
Add an article
a gym
show examples
.
Linking Words
overall
Capitalize word
Overall
show examples
 it can be seen that the
number
Use synonyms
women
Change preposition
of women
show examples
 who enrolled in
Use synonyms
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
 increased steadily over the
period
Use synonyms
 ,
although
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
boys
Change noun form
boys'
boy's
show examples
membership
Fix the agreement mistake
memberships
show examples
declined dramatically . refers to
ladys
Change noun form
ladys'
lady's
show examples
participate
Replace the word
participation
show examples
,
in1980
Correct your spelling
in 1980
 saw amount of female participants stoot at 1000 members which was less than boys
participant
Fix the agreement mistake
participants
show examples
. after the following 5
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of women who went to
Use synonyms
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
show examples
 jumped from 1000 to well -over 2000 members and
also
Linking Words
 there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 some fluctuation during
this
Linking Words
period
Use synonyms
.after the following years
Add a comma
,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 level dropped significantly to
finesh
Correct your spelling
finish
 at just under 2000
memers
Correct your spelling
meters
members
. regarding
Change the article
a
the
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of men that they
interested
Add a missing verb
are interested
show examples
to went
Change preposition
in going
show examples
 to
Use synonyms
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
show examples
 rose quickly from 2000 in 1980 to around 4000 in 1985 , during the
period
Use synonyms
 1990 to 1995
Correct article usage
the
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 membership fell suddenly . even though in 2005
this
Linking Words
number
Use synonyms
 peaked at 5000 members which was the highest
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 who participated in fitness . but
boys
Change noun form
boys'
boy's
show examples
 memberships
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
sharp
Change the word
sharply
show examples
decraese
Correct your spelling
decreased
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
 in 2010 .
Submitted by dler_shakar on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words gym, number, period with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • chart, line graph, bar chart
  • depicts, shows, represents
  • male and female gym membership
  • 30-year period
  • significant increase/decrease
  • stable period, plateau
  • trends and patterns
  • compared to, in contrast with
  • rising trend, upward trajectory
  • plummeted, declined sharply
  • remained steady, fluctuated slightly
  • widened gap, narrowing gap
  • membership figures, subscription rates
  • peaked, reached a high
  • bottomed out, reached a low
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