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Band 6

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping centers or malls to do their shopping. Is this a positive or a negative development?

#years #shops #customers #travel #centers #malls #development
Recently more people have tended to buy their needs
such
 as groceries, garments, appliances, and so on, from grand shopping
malls
. The consequence of their desire for
this
 kind of shopping has been presented with the closure of more local small stores day by day. In
this
letter
Add a comma
letter,
show examples
 I argue the negative aspects of
this
development
 , before turning to the positive ones and I believe the positive aspects are more significant than the negatives. In some individual's minds, the closure of local
shops
 appears with gross changes in society.
In other words
, their claim is the positions of owners turned to employees.
However
, these changes may assume a positive first impression, we should not forget the fact that the existence of small
shops
 creates competition among service providers, which is usually tailored to the needs of consumers.
For example
, in the past local
shops
,
due to
 their owner’s authority, placed some discounts to draw more attention to their business. Needless to say, the change in folk's position from employer to employee took their power to control the prices and
this
 change ended in higher costs for customers. On the flip side, by developing more shopping
malls
, the opportunities for more entertainment
besides
 shopping are provided.
Moreover
, most of the shopping
malls
 have been equipped with different facilities, playgrounds for kids, cinemas, and so on, to impact
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
consumer’s
Change noun form
consumer
show examples
 welfare
besides
 shopping.
Furthermore
, shopping in huge
malls
 would be helpful to waste less time on shopping. They usually contain different variety of stores from groceries to different brands of attire, which help every individual to buy all the stuff without commuting between several locations.
In addition
, these
malls
 are springing up with lots of new careers for society. In conclusion,
although
 the
development
 of big shopping centres affected lots of small local
shops
 and anchored them to closure, I assume
this
development
 is a positive
development
 from the consumer's view.
Submitted by ali on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is structured with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which is good practice. However, the logical connections between ideas could be improved. Use a wider range of cohesive devices and ensure paragraphs are well-developed with clear topic sentences.
task achievement
You have addressed the task but could provide a more balanced argument by exploring both sides of the development equally. Expand on your ideas with further explanation and show the impact of these developments in a more detailed fashion, ensuring that you offer a balanced view before drawing a conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • community character
  • specialized products
  • homogenized
  • local economy
  • circulating
  • variety
  • convenient
  • social hubs
  • infrastructure
  • traffic congestion
  • pollution
  • energy consumption
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