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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some celebrations have lost their meaning and these occasions have become too much about spending money. What problems can this cause? What can be done to change the situation?

#celebrations #occasions #money #change #situation
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In the contemporary world, celebrations have become a prestige in society and led to showcasing their richness by spending huge amounts. Some occasions have lost their purpose, and these
events
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 have become about spending cash.
This
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 essay will discuss the problems and the respective solutions for the given topic.
Firstly
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, the primary reason to spend huge amounts on celebrations is to showcase social status and power. In order to gain public attention, these
people
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 spend a lot of money on celebrating special occasions.
For example
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, in India, one famous businessman spent a hundred crores
for
Change preposition
on
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 his son's marriage. He invited guests with invitation cards designed with gold, and the business's name was telecasted on all the news channels and published in every newspaper.
Secondly
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,
people
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 in society give more attention to rich individuals.
This
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 is another compelling factor for spending a lot of cash on special
events
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 and thereby impressing
people
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. To change the situation, one solution would be
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people
Change preposition
for people
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 should encourage registered marriages, and the cash can be utilized for good causes like helping the poor or improving public facilities.
Additionally
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, another solution is to celebrate important
events
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 at home with family members;
this
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 is not only peaceful but
also
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 budget-friendly.
To conclude
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, to gain fame and social status in the community,
people
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 are spending a lot of money. We can overcome these situations by educating
people
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 towards registered marriages and celebrating
events
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 at home with family members.
Submitted by dillirao.nakka.canada on

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction gives a clear outline of what the essay will discuss. The introduction here was quite general and did not fully preview the main points of the essay.
task achievement
The body paragraphs should closely align with the essay question. While the essay touches upon the problems and solutions, it does not sufficiently explore the specific problems caused by overspending on celebrations.
task achievement
Include a wider range of specific and relevant examples to support each point. The essay mentions one example but needs more to fully illustrate the problem and the solutions.
coherence cohesion
Ensure logical progression from one idea to the next with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. Paragraphs must flow naturally from one to the other.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs more effectively.
coherence cohesion
The main points within the body paragraphs need to be developed further. For coherence and cohesion, these points should be elaborated upon with supporting details and commentary.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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