IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that all children should have a pet or an animal to look after. How far do you share this view?

#people #children #pet
So important is a statement for encouraging children to have a pet that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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would bring some possible benefit. I disagree with
this
 opinion
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 some extent and I will elaborate below. Looking
first,
some parents often think the decision to adopt an animal is bothersome for kids who are unready and simply have
a
Correct article usage
apply
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little sense of responsibility. It seems that
pets
 need more attention and more commitment to maintain. If a child
nurtured
Wrong verb form
nurtures
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 a pet having less awareness, it would be risky
its
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to its
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 homed animal
such
as
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to
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 food selection
fault
Fix the agreement mistake
faults
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 and famine.
In addition
, a person as professional ves says taking an animal with fur to foster at home perhaps could cause a disease
such
 as asthma. Owing to having many
pets
 experience fur loss.
On the other hand
, the proponents argue
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 little ones with a homed animal would help them to develop their knowledge about animals. In some
cases
Add a comma
cases,
show examples
 the owners of
pets
 could learn the anatomy and characteristics of
pets
.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
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 a child could know the body part of
pets
 and what its function is.
Furthermore
, many
of
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apply
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psychologists think of the emotional support that children receive from
pets
, meaning that the child feels more secure and
thus
 more confident. It is logical
to conclude
 that, even though homed animals could give new experiences and emotional improvement for children. I believe that it is an unwise approach for those who are less conscious and it seems could cause a few health problems
for
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in
show examples
 children’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by ir221299 on

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task achievement
You should clearly state your position throughout the essay rather than waiting until the conclusion to make your opinion known. Make your stance clear in the introduction and remain consistent throughout.
task achievement
Expand on your main ideas by providing more detailed examples and explanations. Specific examples help to elaborate on the key points you are making and strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider variety of conjunctions and cohesive devices to improve the flow of the essay. This enables readers to follow your argument more easily and improves the overall readability.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that this idea is developed sufficiently with support and elaboration.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a clear conclusion that restates your view and summarises the main points discussed. The conclusion should mirror the opening statement in terms of the writer's position.
grammatical range and accuracy
Check the essay for grammatical errors and aim for a wider range of sentence structures to demonstrate language proficiency.
lexical resource
Use appropriate vocabulary to accurately express views and concepts. Avoid over-generalizations and strive for precision in language.
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