IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Government should spend more money on education than sports. Do you agree or disagree?

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The government should invest
money
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 in
education
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, compared to sports. I completely agree that the government should allocate
money
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 to schools and
education
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. It is my strong opinion that
education
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 will bring both economic
benefits
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 and social
benefits
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 to the respective society. Investing in students’
education
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 can improve society economically. If more students can enter third-level
education
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,
then
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 they can be more skilled. If they are more skilled and educated,
then
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 it will lead to innovation and increased productivity.
For example
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, Both South Korea and Finland invested a huge amount of
money
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 in the
education
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 system. It produced the results in the form of high-tech companies
such
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 as Nokia and Samsung. Still, humans are not robots who can work without breaks. So, these companies should provide leisure time to their workers.
Education
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 should not be constrained to economic
benefits
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, it
also
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 has social
benefits
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.
Education
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 empowers people to be aware of evils of the society
such
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 as violence, drugs, alcohol, and sexual abuse. Singapore taught its students about the dangers of drugs.
As a result
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, Singapore is considered to be one of the lowest levels of drug abuse in the world. Despite
this
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, sports can teach team spirit and work ethic to their students, so it improves their social skills.
To conclude
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, countries should prioritize
education
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 over sports when budgeting.
Education
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 has so many socioeconomic
benefits
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 which improve the quality of a country. The recommendation will be that the government should fund more
money
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 into schools and universities to enjoy the long-term
benefits
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.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within the paragraph are clearly connected to that central idea.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to link ideas across sentences and paragraphs more effectively.
task achievement
Fully develop your arguments in the body paragraphs to match the scope of the essay prompt more closely.
task achievement
While the essay offers relevant examples, aim to provide more detailed and specific illustrations to support your arguments, enhancing the overall impact and persuasiveness of your response.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion serves its purpose but could be enhanced by summarizing the key points more powerfully and presenting a more compelling final argument.
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