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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Music
Use synonyms
play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
 a Vital role in each individual
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lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
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 and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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it's
Replace the word
its
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 own benefits as well.
Therefore
Linking Words
, some
people
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 believe that
music
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act
Change the verb form
acts
show examples
 as a tool to
to
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
decrease
people
Use synonyms
's
stress
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 and
anxiety
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. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
music
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 has a positive impact on
people
Use synonyms
's
lives
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.
Body paragraph 1
Nowadays,
music
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servers
Replace the word
serves
show examples
 as a tool to reduce
people
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's
stress
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level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
. Because, when
people
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got
Wrong verb form
get
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 stressed, their body release
hormone
Fix the agreement mistake
hormones
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 called cortisol into the
blood stream
Correct your spelling
bloodstream
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whch
Correct your spelling
which
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
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 the
stress
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 level.
Whereas
Linking Words
, when we listen to
music
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, it releases
hormone
Add an article
a hormone
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 called serotonin which
act
Correct subject-verb agreement
acts
show examples
 as a tool to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
doctor's
Change noun form
doctors
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 suggest their patients to listen to
music
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 who have
stress
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issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
. Because
,
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apply
show examples
 it makes some hormonal changes and helps to cope with
stress
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 in a better way.
Body paragraph 2
At the same time,
music
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also
Linking Words
 helps
people
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 to reduce their
anxiety
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. The main reason for
anxiety
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 is
due to
Linking Words
 one's negative
thoughts
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 and cluttered
mind
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 . In
this
Linking Words
 case ,
music
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provide
Change the verb form
provides
show examples
 some kind of calmness and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 the
mind
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 more
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
show examples
 which helps the
mind
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 to declutter and organise the
thoughts
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 better.
As a result
Linking Words
,
people
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 can deal with
anxiety
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 in a
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
better way.
For example
Linking Words
, studies conducted in Harvard
medical school
Correct your spelling
Medical School
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reveals
Correct subject-verb agreement
reveal
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 that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
people
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 who listen to
music
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 have clear
Use synonyms
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 and positive
thoughts
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 rather than
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
anxious
thoughts
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 and
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mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
music
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play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 essential role in
people
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's
lives
Use synonyms
 to cope with their
anxiety
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 and
stress
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level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 by reducing it . So, I agree that
music
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 has a positive impact on human
lives
Use synonyms
 by
helps
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 to lower the
stess
Correct your spelling
stress
 and
anxiety
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that the essay has a logical flow of ideas. Each paragraph should clearly link to the main argument, and transitions between paragraphs should be smooth. Aim to vary your connecting words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
Regarding task achievement, while the response is overall complete, it is essential to fully develop your ideas with clear, comprehensive explanations and specific examples. Make sure each paragraph expands on your main points distinctly, and use more detailed, illustrative examples to substantiate your arguments.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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