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Band 6

Science is important in the 21st century. How do you think it could be made more appealing to young people?

#science #st #century #people
Nowadays,
science
 has become critical
although
 some young
children
 see it as uninteresting and unfamiliar. One reason is that
science
 often has complicated math equations in the class, and teachers ask
children
 to recite to pass exams. Over time, youth don’t find it captivating because it is packed with coursework and quizzes. One way to attract youth would be to make attractive experiments.
In other words
, teachers can create games which combine with the principles of
science
 and are fun
hidden
Correct word choice
and hidden
show examples
 in real life. It would be a good idea if teachers turn those difficult concepts into interesting plays.
As a consequence
,
children
 may enjoy those activities, and cultivate their interests in
science
. Another idea would be to set up many lively television programmes presented by superstars, who narrate scientific stories in an approachable way
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
also
 ask some questions through telephones to offer treats for the young who answer correctly. What is a more enticing way to appeal to the
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 by rewarding and encouraging them to learn more knowledge
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Moreover
,
children
 would not treat
science
 as a strict subject, and a fascinating thing
instead
.
However
, it goes without saying that how much pay they receive has a great influence on choosing jobs which are relevant to scientific careers. Young folks refuse to work as scientists
as a result
 of
bad
Correct article usage
the bad
show examples
 salaries they may be given. If the average scientist were better paid, young people would consider it as a great choice that improves the quality of their lives. Whichever we choose, it is vital that more people get involved in
science
, which makes our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 convenient and easier and
also
 brings huge benefits to solve our society’s problems.
Therefore
, it is the responsibility of people to make education more attractive to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 offspring.
Submitted by jenny.luo000111 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, ensure every main point is deeply developed with more examples or evidence. Try to elaborate on how these ideas can practically be implemented.
task achievement
You have responded fully to the task. To improve further, make your ideas even more comprehensive. Explain how each suggestion can practically and effectively enhance young people's interest in science.
task achievement
For higher clarity and sophistication, consider refining your language. Though your points are clear, some sentences can be more concise. Aim for precise, impactful expressions.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure with distinct paragraphs and well-connected ideas.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the discussion.
task achievement
You have provided relevant and specific suggestions to make science more appealing to young people.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and you have explained how the implementation of these ideas might impact young people’s interest in science.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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