IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #co-operate #adults
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Some argue that encouraging juveniles to be competitive is important because the sense of competition will motivate them to pursue their dreams.
Conversely
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,
others
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 think that children should learn to be cooperative to become useful grown-ups because they will have to collaborate with
others
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 in real life.
This
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 essay agrees with the later statement. On the one
hand
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, people think that competitiveness will encourage children to bravely dream big and have the perseverance to pursue them. Ingraining
this
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 value allows teenagers to be motivated to keep improving themselves. They see their friends working hard to achieve their dreams,
thus
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 they are motivated to do the same.
This
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 situation develops their characters to be persistent and challenge themselves to achieve higher and better.
For example
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, in top schools, their students have many achievements compared to regular schools’ students. The competition within the Ivy schools motivates them to be achievers.
However
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, an extremely competitive environment causes them to be more individualistic and it will be difficult when they have to work with
others
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.
On the other
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hand
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, teenagers who learn to cooperate with
others
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 will develop a good character when they are adults.
This
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 is because, from a young age, they already learn how to join
hand
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 in
hand
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 with their peers to attain the same goal.
This
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 cooperativeness is important, especially in professional working settings. Adults have to interact and collaborate with their coworkers to achieve the team’s goals,
thus
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 they cannot only think about themselves.
For instance
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, to launch a product campaign in an e-commerce platform, marketing teams need to work
together with
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 IT teams.
Thus
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, having a good collaboration skill enables individuals to carry out better tasks when they grow up. In conclusion, even though being competitive allows individuals to be high achievers, developing good cooperative skills will be more beneficial when they grow up because professional working settings always require them to work as a team.
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coherence cohesion
Make sure to have a clear and distinct introduction that outlines the points that will be discussed. The intro should provide a roadmap for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Support main ideas with clear examples and explanations. While the essay contains examples, they could be further elaborated for greater clarity and impact.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow between ideas and paragraphs to ensure the argument follows a clear progression and each point builds on the last.
task achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the task, and provide a balanced discussion of both sides before reaching your conclusion.
task achievement
Aim to provide clear, comprehensive ideas by fully unpacking each point with detailed explanation and justification.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate linguistic skill and avoid overly simple expressions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
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