IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In these day, some people believe that the white collar worker must have a higher salary than the renowned athletes and artists. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #collar #worker #salary #athletes #artists
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Many people argue that white-collar
workers
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such
Linking Words
 as doctors and teachers deserve higher salaries than sports athletes and
entertainment
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stars
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. In my opinion, I strongly agree with
this
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 idea because they have to spend much more time than others to become a professional worker and they contribute more to the development of
society
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.
Firstly
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, it takes many
years
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 for a person to become a professional worker. Training and teaching programs for these occupations require learners to spend at least 4 to 6
years
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 to have sufficient specialized knowledge. Take a doctor as an example, one
medicine
Replace the word
medical
show examples
 student has to sacrifice their youth for at least 6
years
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 or maybe up to 10
years
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 in university to have enough knowledge and skill in their major.
However
Linking Words
, it seems easier for one
entertainment
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 star to achieve success because there are so many people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 need only one night to become famous.
Therefore
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, paying doctors more than
entertainment
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stars
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 is completely worth it.
Secondly
Linking Words
, white-collar
workers
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 have more contribution to the development of
society
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 than athletes or
entertainment
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stars
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.
That now
Correct pronoun usage
Now
show examples
 our whole
society
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 can witness and enjoy modern inventions entirely thanks to the efforts of knowledge
workers
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.
For example
Linking Words
, to find a cure or invent advanced technologies to serve people, teams of doctors and engineers must spend
years
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 to create a perfect scientific work. That reason completely convinced me that professional
workers
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 need to be paid more than athletes or superstars. In conclusion,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
white-collar
workers
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 have to spend more time studying and they have a greater contribution to
society
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are completely
Verb problem
which is a
show examples
 worthy
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 for them to have a higher salary than sports and
entertainment
Use synonyms
stars
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Linh Thùy on

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task achievement
Focus on explicitly stating your opinion in the introduction to provide a clear overview of your stance. While your opinion was present, making it more prominent helps prepare the reader for your arguments.
task achievement
Consider expanding on your examples by explaining how these indeed prove your point. While you've provided relevant examples, delving deeper into their implications could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance logical flow by using a wider range of cohesive devices. Your essay is well-structured, but incorporating varied linking words can improve clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Review the structure of your paragraphs to ensure clear topic sentences and logical progression of ideas. Every paragraph should start with a topic sentence that clearly relates to the main argument of the essay.
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