In these day, some people believe that the white collar worker must have a higher salary than the renowned athletes and artists. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Many people argue that white-collar
workers
such
as doctors and teachers deserve higher salaries than sports athletes and entertainment
stars
. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this
idea because they have to spend much more time than others to become a professional worker and they contribute more to the development of society
.
Firstly
, it takes many years
for a person to become a professional worker. Training and teaching programs for these occupations require learners to spend at least 4 to 6 years
to have sufficient specialized knowledge. Take a doctor as an example, one medicine
student has to sacrifice their youth for at least 6 Replace the word
medical
years
or maybe up to 10 years
in university to have enough knowledge and skill in their major. However
, it seems easier for one entertainment
star to achieve success because there are so many people that
need only one night to become famous. Correct pronoun usage
who
Therefore
, paying doctors more than entertainment
stars
is completely worth it.
Secondly
, white-collar workers
have more contribution to the development of society
than athletes or entertainment
stars
. That now
our whole Correct pronoun usage
Now
society
can witness and enjoy modern inventions entirely thanks to the efforts of knowledge workers
. For example
, to find a cure or invent advanced technologies to serve people, teams of doctors and engineers must spend years
to create a perfect scientific work. That reason completely convinced me that professional workers
need to be paid more than athletes or superstars.
In conclusion, that
white-collar Correct word choice
apply
workers
have to spend more time studying and they have a greater contribution to society
are completely
worthy Verb problem
which is a
reasons
for them to have a higher salary than sports and Fix the agreement mistake
reason
entertainment
stars
.Submitted by Linh Thùy
on
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task achievement
Focus on explicitly stating your opinion in the introduction to provide a clear overview of your stance. While your opinion was present, making it more prominent helps prepare the reader for your arguments.
task achievement
Consider expanding on your examples by explaining how these indeed prove your point. While you've provided relevant examples, delving deeper into their implications could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Enhance logical flow by using a wider range of cohesive devices. Your essay is well-structured, but incorporating varied linking words can improve clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Review the structure of your paragraphs to ensure clear topic sentences and logical progression of ideas. Every paragraph should start with a topic sentence that clearly relates to the main argument of the essay.