IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians, or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?

#people #entertainers #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #jobs
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It is believed by some
people
 that
entertainers
 like actors, pop singers, or stars from sports etc, are paid a lot of money. I completely agree with
this
 statement. In the upcoming paragraphs, I will discuss the reasons behind
this
 and
also
 cover the other fields of jobs that
also
 require high pay. To commence with, the
entertainers
 paid a high amount of money because of their talent.
In other words
, not everyone dares to face the camera or
people
,
this
 can be done by only those
people
, who have some kind of talent or passion.
For example
, the prime minister of any
country
 can not make any film because he does not possess those type of ability to act.
That is
 why
entertainers
 get paid highly. Another reason is that they do
work
 hard. It is not everyone's cup of tea to make anyone laugh with their actions or feel relaxed with their music. Some
entertainers
 do a lot of hard
work
 to make us laugh and
also
 to win for their countries.
For example
, let us take cricket, the team represents the
country
 on an international level, and winning the game requires them to
work
 hard. So, In my opinion, if they do get a large amount of pay
then
 I guess they are worth it.
However
, there are
also
 some jobs on which the government has to pay attention. First of all, the job of nursing. Many nurses, ward boys, etc. do not get the good pay that they deserve.
Although
 the pay of doctors is very high,
however
, those who
work
 there do not get enough. They
also
 do night duties to help the patients and
that is
 a lot of
work
 hard. Another job, that in my point of view needs to be paid highly is teaching jobs. Teaching is a noble profession, they
work
 diligently to make the future of children which are the future of the
country
. So, I think these professions must be paid highly as it has a significant value in our
country
as well as
people
's lives. In conclusion, those who entertain us get high pay because they are worth it because of their talent, and hard
work
.
However
, teachers and nurses must
be pay
Change the verb form
be paid
show examples
 equally high as well because of the importance of their profession.
Submitted by chamang774 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, aim to use more varied linking words and phrases. This will help in connecting ideas more smoothly across different parts of the essay.
task achievement
For better task achievement, ensure that examples are directly linked to the points you are making. This will help strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear introduction and conclusion frameworks, enhancing the structure and readability.
task achievement
You have covered both aspects of the task question adequately, discussing both why entertainers are paid highly and which other professions should be paid more.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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