IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic. “Parents should not pressure their children to choose a particular profession. Young people should have the freedom to choose a career path they like. To what extent do you agree or disagree?” You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence

#argument #case #reader #specialist #topic #“parents #pressure #children #profession #people #freedom #career #path #support #arguments #evidence
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Nowadays,
parents
Use synonyms
 should not force their
children
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 to pick a certain job because young
people
Use synonyms
 should have the freedom to pick their desired
career
Use synonyms
path
Use synonyms
. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because there are two reasons why young
people
Use synonyms
 should pick the desired
career
Use synonyms
path
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 by their own choice without
forcing from
Wrong verb form
being forced by their
show examples
parents
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's choice. One of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
, every young
people
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 have their own
talent
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 and passion since they were born. Basically,
parents
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unable
Add a missing verb
are unable
show examples
 to force their
children
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 to pick a certain job based on
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parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, when their
children
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were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 born, they will have a
talent
Use synonyms
 and desire in Arts especially in singing, dancing, and acting.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they suit in the profession as an artist i.e. singer, dancer,
film maker
Correct your spelling
film-maker
show examples
, etc. If the
parents
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 force them to be a doctor or a teacher, it would be not successful
due to
Linking Words
different
Correct article usage
the different
show examples
career
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
path
Fix the agreement mistake
paths
show examples
 between the true
talent
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 which the
children
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 have and the
parents
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 want. The
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parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 role only leads and
guide
Correct subject-verb agreement
guides
show examples
 their
children
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 to find and explore what their
children
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 desire and their ability
in particular
Linking Words
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
. Another reason, young
people
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 would not blame someone
else's
Change noun form
else
show examples
 if failure happens. If they pick their own choices in determining their
career
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path
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, they would
be not blame
Change the verb form
not blame
show examples
 their
parents
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. They would be a responsible person because the
career
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path
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 that they choose is based on their preference.
For example
Linking Words
, after
graduated
Change the form of the verb
graduating
show examples
 from senior high school, young
people
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 pick
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 physics major in college because they would like to be a scientist in the future based on their preference. If one day probably
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 failure happens, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 try to keep
a
Change preposition
up a
show examples
hard work in order to be
successful
Add an article
a successful
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 person.
However
Linking Words
, if their
parents
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 choose their own
career
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path
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, they would blame their
parents
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 because following their
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parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 ambition. In conclusion, young
people
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 should choose their own
career
Use synonyms
path
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 without
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parents's
Correct pronoun usage
their parents's
show examples
 ambition because they
certainty
Replace the word
certainly
show examples
 have their own
talent
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as well as
Linking Words
 passion and would be more responsible
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 if any failure
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
 up in the process.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the
parents
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 should still provide the lead and guide to their
children
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, so that the
children
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 will obtain their own true
career
Use synonyms
path
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 and not
trap
Wrong verb form
be trapped
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
inappropriate goals.
Submitted by 2024successielts on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay presents a clear argument with an introduction and conclusion, which satisfies the structural requirements to a certain extent. However, to improve coherence, you should focus on organizing your ideas more clearly and cohesively throughout paragraphs. Provide clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs and ensure each sentence flows logically from one to the next.
Task Achievement
Your response addresses the task and you express a clear position throughout the essay. The main ideas are relevant, but the development is not always clear, and the argument could benefit from a more comprehensive analysis. Examples are present but they are not always specific or fully elaborated. To enhance task achievement, expand on your ideas with more depth and detail, provide concrete examples to support your statements, and make sure that your position is consistently clear throughout the essay.
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