Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic. “Parents should not pressure their children to choose a particular profession. Young people should have the freedom to choose a career path they like. To what extent do you agree or disagree?” You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence

Nowadays,
parents
should not force their
children
to pick a certain job because young
people
should have the freedom to pick their desired
career
path
. I agree with
this
statement because there are two reasons why young
people
should pick the desired
career
path
by their own choice without
forcing from
Wrong verb form
being forced by their
show examples
parents
's choice. One of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
, every young
people
have their own
talent
and passion since they were born. Basically,
parents
unable
Add a missing verb
are unable
show examples
to force their
children
to pick a certain job based on
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
.
For instance
, when their
children
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
born, they will have a
talent
and desire in Arts especially in singing, dancing, and acting.
Therefore
, they suit in the profession as an artist i.e. singer, dancer,
film maker
Correct your spelling
film-maker
show examples
, etc. If the
parents
force them to be a doctor or a teacher, it would be not successful
due to
different
Correct article usage
the different
show examples
career
path
Fix the agreement mistake
paths
show examples
between the true
talent
which the
children
have and the
parents
want. The
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
role only leads and
guide
Correct subject-verb agreement
guides
show examples
their
children
to find and explore what their
children
desire and their ability
in particular
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
. Another reason, young
people
would not blame someone
else's
Change noun form
else
show examples
if failure happens. If they pick their own choices in determining their
career
path
, they would
be not blame
Change the verb form
not blame
show examples
their
parents
. They would be a responsible person because the
career
path
that they choose is based on their preference.
For example
, after
graduated
Change the form of the verb
graduating
show examples
from senior high school, young
people
pick
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
physics major in college because they would like to be a scientist in the future based on their preference. If one day probably
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
failure happens, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
try to keep
a
Change preposition
up a
show examples
hard work in order to be
successful
Add an article
a successful
show examples
person.
However
, if their
parents
choose their own
career
path
, they would blame their
parents
because following their
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
ambition. In conclusion, young
people
should choose their own
career
path
without
parents's
Correct pronoun usage
their parents's
show examples
ambition because they
certainty
Replace the word
certainly
show examples
have their own
talent
as well as
passion and would be more responsible
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
if any failure
come
Change the verb form
comes
show examples
up in the process.
Nevertheless
, the
parents
should still provide the lead and guide to their
children
, so that the
children
will obtain their own true
career
path
and not
trap
Wrong verb form
be trapped
show examples
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
inappropriate goals.
Submitted by 2024successielts on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay presents a clear argument with an introduction and conclusion, which satisfies the structural requirements to a certain extent. However, to improve coherence, you should focus on organizing your ideas more clearly and cohesively throughout paragraphs. Provide clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs and ensure each sentence flows logically from one to the next.
Task Achievement
Your response addresses the task and you express a clear position throughout the essay. The main ideas are relevant, but the development is not always clear, and the argument could benefit from a more comprehensive analysis. Examples are present but they are not always specific or fully elaborated. To enhance task achievement, expand on your ideas with more depth and detail, provide concrete examples to support your statements, and make sure that your position is consistently clear throughout the essay.
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