Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic. “Parents should not pressure their children to choose a particular profession. Young people should have the freedom to choose a career path they like. To what extent do you agree or disagree?” You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence
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Nowadays,
parents
should not force their children
to pick a certain job because young people
should have the freedom to pick their desired career
path
. I agree with this
statement because there are two reasons why young people
should pick the desired career
path
by their own choice without forcing from
Wrong verb form
being forced by their
parents
's choice.
One of the reason
, every young Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
people
have their own talent
and passion since they were born. Basically, parents
unable
to force their Add a missing verb
are unable
children
to pick a certain job based on parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
want
. Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
For instance
, when their children
were
born, they will have a Wrong verb form
are
talent
and desire in Arts especially in singing, dancing, and acting. Therefore
, they suit in the profession as an artist i.e. singer, dancer, film maker
, etc. If the Correct your spelling
film-maker
parents
force them to be a doctor or a teacher, it would be not successful due to
different
Correct article usage
the different
career
path
between the true Fix the agreement mistake
paths
talent
which the children
have and the parents
want. The parents
role only leads and Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
guide
their Correct subject-verb agreement
guides
children
to find and explore what their children
desire and their ability in particular
field
.
Another reason, young Fix the agreement mistake
fields
people
would not blame someone else's
if failure happens. If they pick their own choices in determining their Change noun form
else
career
path
, they would be not blame
their Change the verb form
not blame
parents
. They would be a responsible person because the career
path
that they choose is based on their preference. For example
, after graduated
from senior high school, young Change the form of the verb
graduating
people
pick the
physics major in college because they would like to be a scientist in the future based on their preference. If one day probably Correct article usage
a
the
failure happens, they Correct article usage
a
would
try to keepWrong verb form
will
a
hard work in order to be Change preposition
up a
successful
person. Add an article
a successful
However
, if their parents
choose their own career
path
, they would blame their parents
because following their parents
ambition.
In conclusion, young Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
people
should choose their own career
path
without parents's
ambition because they Correct pronoun usage
their parents's
certainty
have their own Replace the word
certainly
talent
as well as
passion and would be more responsible person
if any failure Fix the agreement mistake
people
come
up in the process. Change the verb form
comes
Nevertheless
, the parents
should still provide the lead and guide to their children
, so that the children
will obtain their own true career
path
and not trap
in Wrong verb form
be trapped
the
inappropriate goals.Correct article usage
apply
Submitted by 2024successielts on
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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay presents a clear argument with an introduction and conclusion, which satisfies the structural requirements to a certain extent. However, to improve coherence, you should focus on organizing your ideas more clearly and cohesively throughout paragraphs. Provide clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs and ensure each sentence flows logically from one to the next.
Task Achievement
Your response addresses the task and you express a clear position throughout the essay. The main ideas are relevant, but the development is not always clear, and the argument could benefit from a more comprehensive analysis. Examples are present but they are not always specific or fully elaborated. To enhance task achievement, expand on your ideas with more depth and detail, provide concrete examples to support your statements, and make sure that your position is consistently clear throughout the essay.
