A country becomes more interesting and develop more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Admittedly, globalization has made
people
move farther from their homeland and the establishment of multicultural nations has become more pervasive ever since. One state could consist of different combinations of nationalities which lead to a more captivating sphere and expand more rapidly. I profoundly agree with that notion and will explain the reasons in these subsequent parts of the essay.
Some parts of society are of the belief that people
with different cultures cannot live side
by side
as it will potentially lead to a horizontal conflict. However
, I believe it is important to note that with different ranges of beliefs, skill sets, and experiences, people
from different states can offer entirely new perspectives to solve problems original inhabitants may not have seen before. In addition
, the presence of people
with strong work ethics, such
as Japanese, can also
influence their peers to have the same moral principles. If this
is done on a wider scale, it is warranted that the country will develop even swifter.
Moreover
, having a diverse society is good for parents and teachers to teach their children respect and tolerance. Similarly
, kids can have the opportunity to be exposed to routines they do not find in their own culture. Furthermore
, the presence of a rich-cultured environment with also
lead the society to different new languages. Hence
, it will help the country and its indigenous people
to learn other means of communication.
To conclude
, on one side
, some opine that this
can harm the peaceful condition of the country. I, on the other side
, suppose their stance and trust that countries with mixed nationalities may find many beneficial sides. I am fully aware that not only does a multicultural state provide many different perspectives to solve some problems, but also
it promotes tolerance and unlocks new languages for its citizens.Submitted by reaca18 on
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coherence cohesion
The essay sometimes lacks clear logical connectors and transitions, which may confuse the reader. Consider using more varied linguistic resources to ensure smoother progression between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Both an introduction and a conclusion are present, but the conclusion is rather weak and does not adequately summarize the main points or restate the writer's position. It's beneficial to reiterate your thesis and main ideas in the conclusion to solidify your argument.
coherence cohesion
Many of your main points are supported, but the support could be further developed with specific examples and evidence to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Your response addresses the task, but does not fully develop all parts of the prompt. Be sure to address the prompt fully by exploring the topic completely and providing a nuanced discussion.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear, but they could be presented more comprehensively by fully elaborating on how the mixture of nationalities contributes to the development of a country and making direct comparisons to homogeneous societies.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from the inclusion of more relevant, specific examples that directly support the points being made. Including real-world cases or citing cultural and economic impacts would enhance your argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
