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Band 5.5

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older. While others thinks that they should stay at home with family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#parents #people #home
Some say leaving the parents and home creates the real man,
while
 some think that staying with the family will be better. Personally, I do agree with the first idea and encourage the young to leave their homes and find an experience.
Firstly
, the young are able to learn much faster than the older.
According to
 many research have told us that in the age teenage is a good time to learn to succeed and fail.
Furthermore
, at
this
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
 they will be taught by the environment and they will remember the whole thing in a short period. So that, they will learn more thing
then
 the older.
Secondly
, When the young stay by themselves, they will grow their mindset including attitude and self-control. All of these skills which called soft skills not only make them grow but
also
 make them to be an better adult because what necessary is not to be perfect but responsible. Self-control and discipline will always be in their conscious if they are taught to learn by them-self, when they need to face a problem, they will know how to deal with it.
On the other hand
, some argue that not everyone will be able to leave their parent and learn by themselves. Leaving their life at a young age requires a budget
that is
 enough for living at the
begining
Correct your spelling
beginning
.
Moreover
, living by themselves is not proper for everyone because of different backgrounds,
thus
,
someone
Correct your spelling
some
show examples
 might still need advice from their parents or the older that have more experience to guide them in the right . In my opinion, I do encourage
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenager to leave their home when younger because it has pros more than cons because sooner or later, everyone must leave to have their own life.
Although
 there are many arguments there are many ways to solve each problem
such
 some may have a problem when need to live by themselves, and they should be provided advice and guidance on how to live by themself.
However
, it might be hard for someone to learn in the first step but in the end, we will a quality adults in society.
Submitted by amittawin on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response. Nevertheless, some of your main points are not fully developed with specific examples, which is crucial for substantiating your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The organization of your ideas could be improved by creating clearer and more logical connections between them. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas within and across sentences more effectively.
coherence cohesion
A conclusion is present but could be strengthened. Make sure it clearly summarizes the main points of your argument and restates your opinion in a concise and compelling way.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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