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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

An increasing number of larger shopping malls, areas and departmental stores are leading to the decline number of smaller corner shops. What are the advantages and disadvantages

#malls #areas #stores #decline #corner #shops
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The development of shopping centres, areas and departmental shops make small
stores
Use synonyms
losing
Wrong verb form
lose
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 existence. In
this
Linking Words
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will examine and analyze the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 topic,
while
Linking Words
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 strongly believe that the benefits
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 the drawbacks.
To begin
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 with, the interest
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
shopping in
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 large number of
people
Use synonyms
 has increased from
time
Use synonyms
 to
time
Use synonyms
 making shopping buildings extend
at
Change preposition
to
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 different areas from
time
Use synonyms
 to
time
Use synonyms
.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 issue must have
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 advantages for customers
such
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 as easiness
to find
Change preposition
of finding
show examples
 needs in one place,
convinient
Correct your spelling
convenience
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 parking and more
important
Replace the word
importantly
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 buildings can be built on unused land.
For example
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, Pakuwon Mall in
Surbaya
Correct your spelling
Surabaya
, one of the biggest malls in Indonesia, have
a
Remove the article
apply
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plenty of clothes
stores
Use synonyms
, food courts, and supermarkets,
hence
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people
Use synonyms
 usually visit
this
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 one building for many purposes without worrying about searching the
stores
Use synonyms
 or the location.
Also
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, the land outside the malls is made for residences and apartments making
more
Correct pronoun usage
it more
show examples
 useful and presentable.
On the other hand
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, there are two drawbacks that will be given for considering about the augment of the department
stores
Use synonyms
 which are the distance from houses and the crowd in every
outlets
Change to a singular noun
outlet
show examples
.
Moreover
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, the
prize
Correct your spelling
price
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 of rent in the building is more expensive than in the small house which the majority of businessmen have small capital for constructing their business.
For example
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, in Indonesia, many new cafes and restaurants are opened on the side of the road as they have to manage their funds and
also
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 it is easier for
people
Use synonyms
 especially teenagers and students to approach and find
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 places. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 topic has its own profits and downsides with reasoned explanation. Personally,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think the advantages surpass the disadvantages because it makes
people
Use synonyms
 easier to find their necessities and more comfortable
to find
Change the verb form
finding
show examples
 parking
lot
Correct quantifier usage
lots
show examples
while
Linking Words
 the drawbacks are just the location and the situation.
Submitted by triayudea01 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the scope of the discussion. Your current introduction could better specify the advantages and disadvantages to be discussed.
task achievement
Strive for a balance in discussing both sides of the issue. The advantages are explored more extensively than the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Include a wider range of transitional phrases to improve the flow of ideas from sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph.
task achievement
Consider refining the conclusion to better summarize the main points discussed, and clearly state your position, giving it more weight in the overall essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on the accuracy of language use, including spelling and grammar, as well as the complexity of sentence structures.
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