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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

“A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?“

#“a #people #amount #violence #tv #cinema #actions #increases #society
A lot of people believe that the amount of
violance
Correct your spelling
violence
 shown on TV and cinema influences
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation and
therefore
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
makes the
violance
Correct your spelling
violence
 number
rises
Correct subject-verb agreement
rise
show examples
significanly
Correct your spelling
significantly
. Even though I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that
portaying
Correct your spelling
portraying violence
violance
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 TV
gives
Verb problem
has
show examples
detrimental
Correct article usage
a detrimental
show examples
 effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
society
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I totally disagree that it can cause
such
 an increasing number of criminality in
society
.
Violance
Correct your spelling
Violence
 happens
due to
 several reasons, the foremost reason it happens is
because
Replace the word
that
show examples
 there is a dispute or conflict among several individuals. The factor of the
dissagrement
Correct your spelling
disagreement
 could be about money, love affair, opinion, race, and so on.
In addition
, the bad environment of the youth in the current condition has
also
 been a factor and it plays
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 role
to increase
Change preposition
in increasing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminality among children.
For example
, some kids become a thief and conduct bullying to
theor
Correct your spelling
their
 friends because all of
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 friends
also
 doing it. If they refuse
doing
Change the verb form
to do
show examples
 the same thing, they would be
labeled
Change the spelling
labelled
show examples
 as "not friends" or even
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
discriminated
Change preposition
against by
show examples
by
Change preposition
against
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. In order to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical abuse in
society
 government should provide some solutions and
deterent
Correct your spelling
deterrent
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 to solve the problem. The solution that I suggest is making
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
socialisation through moral education in
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and
society
.
This
 can be done by
equiping
Correct your spelling
equipping
 the teacher with more
knowlegde
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 and
transfer
Wrong verb form
transferring
show examples
 it to the students. Other than that, governors could
also
 order their subordinates to go hand in hand
preventing
Change the verb form
to prevent
show examples
 the
abusement
Replace the word
abuse
show examples
into
Change preposition
from
show examples
 happening. The other program that can be done is to protect the victim and give more severe punishment to the perpetrators so that they will not
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dare to do the
violance
Correct your spelling
violence
 again. In conclusion, some people believe that the amount of
violance
Correct your spelling
violence
 shown on TV and cinema influences
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation and
therefore
 it makes the
violance
Correct your spelling
violence
 number
rises
Correct subject-verb agreement
rise
show examples
significanly
Correct your spelling
significantly
.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 I totally disagree with that opinion. There are several factors that could be the roots of
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
this
violance
Correct your spelling
violence
. The solution
about
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the problem is to make a
sosialisation
Correct your spelling
socialisation
 and give preventive actions.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Response
You should strive to create a clear overall argument for your essay which is maintained throughout the response. Some parts of your essay veer off topic, or do not support the main argument effectively. Ensure all paragraphs directly support your overall viewpoint
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay needs clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, followed by explanatory or supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence to summarize or transition to the next point. This structure reinforces coherence and helps the reader follow the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
You should use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., conjunctions, pronouns, linking phrases) to connect sentences and ideas smoothly. Be cautious of overusing any particular phrase or word.
Task Achievement
In your argument, use specific examples or data to support your points. General statements do not illustrate the argument as effectively as precise, detailed examples and explanations.
Language Use
Check your writing for grammatical accuracy and range of structures. Errors can detract from the clarity of your argument and coherence of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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