“A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?“

#“a #people #amount #violence #tv #cinema #actions #increases #society

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?

A lot of people believe that the amount of

violance

Correct your spelling

violence

shown on TV and cinema influences

young

Correct article usage

the young

show examples

generation and

therefore

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

makes the

violance

Correct your spelling

violence

number

rises

Correct subject-verb agreement

rise

show examples

significanly

Correct your spelling

significantly

. Even though I

belive

Correct your spelling

believe

show examples

that

portaying

Correct your spelling

portraying violence

violance

Change preposition

show examples

gives

Verb problem

has

show examples

detrimental

Correct article usage

a detrimental

show examples

effect

Change preposition

show examples

society

but

Correct word choice

apply

show examples

I totally disagree that it can cause

such

an increasing number of criminality in

society

Violance

Correct your spelling

Violence

happens

due to

several reasons, the foremost reason it happens is

because

Replace the word

that

show examples

there is a dispute or conflict among several individuals. The factor of the

dissagrement

Correct your spelling

disagreement

could be about money, love affair, opinion, race, and so on.

In addition

, the bad environment of the youth in the current condition has

also

been a factor and it plays

significant

Add an article

a significant

show examples

role

to increase

Change preposition

in increasing

show examples

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

criminality among children.

For example

, some kids become a thief and conduct bullying to

theor

Correct your spelling

their

friends because all of

thier

Correct your spelling

their

friends

also

doing it. If they refuse

doing

Change the verb form

to do

show examples

the same thing, they would be

labeled

Change the spelling

labelled

show examples

as "not friends" or even

being

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

discriminated

Change preposition

against by

show examples

Change preposition

against

show examples

them

Correct pronoun usage

apply

show examples

. In order to reduce

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

physical abuse in

society

government should provide some solutions and

deterent

Correct your spelling

deterrent

effect

Fix the agreement mistake

effects

show examples

to solve the problem. The solution that I suggest is making

Remove the article

apply

show examples

socialisation through moral education in

school

Fix the agreement mistake

schools

show examples

and

society

This

can be done by

equiping

Correct your spelling

equipping

the teacher with more

knowlegde

Correct your spelling

knowledge

and

transfer

Wrong verb form

transferring

show examples

it to the students. Other than that, governors could

also

order their subordinates to go hand in hand

preventing

Change the verb form

to prevent

show examples

the

abusement

Replace the word

abuse

show examples

into

Change preposition

from

show examples

happening. The other program that can be done is to protect the victim and give more severe punishment to the perpetrators so that they will not

have

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

dare to do the

violance

Correct your spelling

violence

again. In conclusion, some people believe that the amount of

violance

Correct your spelling

violence

shown on TV and cinema influences

young

Correct article usage

the young

show examples

generation and

therefore

it makes the

violance

Correct your spelling

violence

number

rises

Correct subject-verb agreement

rise

show examples

significanly

Correct your spelling

significantly

However

Add a comma

However,

show examples

I totally disagree with that opinion. There are several factors that could be the roots of

the

Remove the article

apply

show examples

this

violance

Correct your spelling

violence

. The solution

about

Change preposition

show examples

the problem is to make a

sosialisation

Correct your spelling

socialisation

and give preventive actions.

Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on Sun Jan 14 2024

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Task Response

You should strive to create a clear overall argument for your essay which is maintained throughout the response. Some parts of your essay veer off topic, or do not support the main argument effectively. Ensure all paragraphs directly support your overall viewpoint

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay needs clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, followed by explanatory or supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence to summarize or transition to the next point. This structure reinforces coherence and helps the reader follow the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

You should use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., conjunctions, pronouns, linking phrases) to connect sentences and ideas smoothly. Be cautious of overusing any particular phrase or word.

Task Achievement

In your argument, use specific examples or data to support your points. General statements do not illustrate the argument as effectively as precise, detailed examples and explanations.

Language Use

Check your writing for grammatical accuracy and range of structures. Errors can detract from the clarity of your argument and coherence of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

8
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
51
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

331 words

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