IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

“Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?”

#“parents #children
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The
children
Use synonyms
 obesity issue is growing all over the world. To punish the
parents
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 of pat
children
Use synonyms
 is
a
Change the article
an
show examples
ever lasting
Add a hyphen
ever-lasting
show examples
 debate. I firmly agree that
parents
Use synonyms
 of obese
children
Use synonyms
 must be punished for encouraging the
Use synonyms
fastfood
Correct your spelling
food
,
ice
Correct word choice
and ice
show examples
 creams to their
children
Use synonyms
 and not involving their
children
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 in physical
activities
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
parents
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 are showing more interest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
such
Linking Words
 as pasta,noodles and frozen
food
Use synonyms
 like chicken
nugets
Correct your spelling
nuggets
.
These
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 consists
huge
Change preposition
of huge
show examples
 quantities of carbohydrates and fatty ingredients which causes weight gain in
children
Use synonyms
. The
reason
Use synonyms
 for inclining towards
Use synonyms
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 is that it can be prepared instantaneously just to heat in
microwave
Add an article
the microwave
show examples
 and can be served. These unhealthy
Use synonyms
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 being served to
children
Use synonyms
,
there by
Correct your spelling
thereby
show examples
 causing
children
Use synonyms
 to obese. The growing demand for
Use synonyms
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
fast-food
 has significantly risen from 5
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 to 30
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 in the
last
Linking Words
 year in Canada.
Linking Words
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
 stats shows that
parents
Use synonyms
prefering
Correct your spelling
preferring
Use synonyms
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 more to their
chidren
Correct your spelling
children
.
Additionaly
Correct your spelling
Additionally
, when
parents
Use synonyms
alogn
Correct your spelling
along
 with their
children
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 go for shopping,
parents
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 feed ice creams and
popcorns
Fix the agreement mistake
popcorn
show examples
 to
Use synonyms
children
Correct pronoun usage
their children
show examples
,
this
Linking Words
 is
second
Add an article
the second
a second
show examples
reason
Use synonyms
to become
Change preposition
for becoming
show examples
 child obese. Another compelling
reason
Use synonyms
 is that
parents
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 are not encouraging their
children
Use synonyms
 to
some
Add a missing verb
do some
show examples
 kind of physical
Use synonyms
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 and sports.
Parents
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giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 electronic gadgets like mobiles and tabs to their
children
Use synonyms
.
The young
Correct article usage
Young
show examples
 people
spends
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 most of
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing mobile games and not giving importance to physical
activities
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 is another
sigificant
Correct your spelling
significant
reason
Use synonyms
 to become
youth
Correct article usage
a youth
show examples
obse
Correct your spelling
obese
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should take care of
Use synonyms
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
 being served to their
childen
Correct your spelling
children
, they must avoid unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as frozen
food
Use synonyms
,
nudles
Correct your spelling
noodles
nurdles
 and ice creams.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should encourage physical
actvities
Correct your spelling
activities
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
. I firmly agree that
parents
Use synonyms
 of obese
children
Use synonyms
 must be punished for not only providing healthy
food
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 for not encouraging physical
activities
Use synonyms
 and games.
Submitted by dillirao.nakka.canada on

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coherence cohesion
The essay shows a limited range of cohesive devices and some issues with paragraphing. There's a need for more sophisticated connectives to enhance logical sequencing of ideas and coherence. Work on using a variety of linking words and ensure a clear distinction between paragraphs for improved structure and readability.
task achievement
You have addressed the task only partially, as the essay needs a more developed argument with varied sentence structures and a clearer progression of ideas. Consider exploring the topic from multiple perspectives and providing a balanced view. Expand on your examples by explaining how they specifically support your points for a complete response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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