“Parents of obese children should be punished for making them fat. Do you agree or disagree?”
The
children
obesity issue is growing all over the world. To punish the parents
of pat children
is a
Change the article
an
ever lasting
debate. I firmly agree that Add a hyphen
ever-lasting
parents
of obese children
must be punished for encouraging the fastfood
, Correct your spelling
food
ice
creams to their Correct word choice
and ice
children
and not involving their children
in physical activities
.
Firstly
, parents
are showing more interest on
Change preposition
in
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
such
as pasta,noodles and frozen food
like chicken nugets
. Correct your spelling
nuggets
These
Correct pronoun usage
This
food
consists huge
quantities of carbohydrates and fatty ingredients which causes weight gain in Change preposition
of huge
children
. The reason
for inclining towards fastfood
is that it can be prepared instantaneously just to heat in Correct your spelling
fast food
microwave
and can be served. These unhealthy Add an article
the microwave
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
is
being served to Correct subject-verb agreement
are
children
,there by
causing Correct your spelling
thereby
children
to obese. The growing demand for fastfood
has significantly risen from 5 Correct your spelling
fast food
fast-food
percentage
to 30 Replace the word
per cent
percentage
in the Replace the word
per cent
last
year in Canada. This
stats shows that Correct determiner usage
These
parents
prefering
Correct your spelling
preferring
fastfood
more to their Correct your spelling
fast food
chidren
.Correct your spelling
children
Additionaly
, when Correct your spelling
Additionally
parents
alogn
with their Correct your spelling
along
children
go for shopping, parents
feed ice creams and popcorns
to Fix the agreement mistake
popcorn
children
, Correct pronoun usage
their children
this
is second
Add an article
the second
a second
reason
to become
child obese.
Another compelling Change preposition
for becoming
reason
is that parents
are not encouraging their children
to some
kind of physical Add a missing verb
do some
activities
and sports. Fix the agreement mistake
activity
Parents
giving
electronic gadgets like mobiles and tabs to their Wrong verb form
give
children
. The young
people Correct article usage
Young
spends
most of Change the verb form
spend
thier
time Correct your spelling
their
in
playing mobile games and not giving importance to physical Change preposition
apply
activities
, this
is another sigificant
Correct your spelling
significant
reason
to become youth
Correct article usage
a youth
obse
.
Correct your spelling
obese
To conclude
, parents
should take care of food
being served to their Correct article usage
the food
childen
, they must avoid unhealthy Correct your spelling
children
food
such
as frozen food
,nudles
and ice creams. Correct your spelling
noodles
nurdles
Parents
should encourage physical actvities
Correct your spelling
activities
to
their Change preposition
for
children
. I firmly agree that parents
of obese children
must be punished for not only providing healthy food
but also
for not encouraging physical activities
and games.Submitted by dillirao.nakka.canada on
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coherence cohesion
The essay shows a limited range of cohesive devices and some issues with paragraphing. There's a need for more sophisticated connectives to enhance logical sequencing of ideas and coherence. Work on using a variety of linking words and ensure a clear distinction between paragraphs for improved structure and readability.
task achievement
You have addressed the task only partially, as the essay needs a more developed argument with varied sentence structures and a clearer progression of ideas. Consider exploring the topic from multiple perspectives and providing a balanced view. Expand on your examples by explaining how they specifically support your points for a complete response.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.