IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Sport is becoming a business. More and more companies ar Do you think that it is a positive or negative development?

#sport #business #companies #ar #development
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With the passage of time, the more the sport is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
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a
business
Use synonyms
, the more companies participate in sporting events. In my opinion, the drawbacks of
this
Linking Words
 development far outweigh the benefits and I will discuss my reasons below.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it will be harmful for athletes. In fact, when it comes to the
business
Use synonyms
 community, it is noticeable that the priority of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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almost all
of
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apply
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businessmen is making a profit. They are
also
Linking Words
 in
business
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 boosting
this
Linking Words
 profit.
As a result
Linking Words
, a sportsperson is under enormous pressure
by
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from
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 companies who are seeking to make an investment in sporting events.
Then
Linking Words
, they ask athletes to do regular vigorous exercises which can be
life threatening
Add a hyphen
life-threatening
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 and cause various psychological and physical health problems
such
Linking Words
 as heart stork.
In addition
Linking Words
, the mentioned development can have some other far-reaching consequences for moral values.
In other words
Linking Words
, sport can not remain as an amusement in
such
Linking Words
situation
Correct article usage
a situation
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, but rather it can be called a gamble in which just winning plays a significant role. It goes without saying that as long as a friendly rivalry
change
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changes
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 to the keen one, players start using
performanceenhancing
Correct your spelling
performance-enhancing
performance enhancing
 drugs or do other immoral activities.
Thus
Linking Words
, the winner will not be the more
skillful
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skilful
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 or the hardworking one. In conclusion, involving companies in
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 and
change
Wrong verb form
changing
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 it to a
business
Use synonyms
 not only
do
Verb problem
makes
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 it
make
Verb problem
apply
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dangerous for athletes’ health, but
also
Linking Words
 can destroy human moral values and
above all
Linking Words
 lead
sportsperson
Fix the agreement mistake
sportspersons
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 to do hazardous activities.
Submitted by Raeisinarges1995 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presented clear ideas, but the logical structure of your arguments can be significantly improved. Ensure the progression of your essay is logical, with each point clearly leading into the next. Use cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases to enhance the fluidity of your writing.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion which generally aligns with the topic in question. However, consider developing a stronger thesis statement and firmer concluding remarks to leave a more impactful impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
While the main points have some support, you could improve by including more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments. Make sure that the examples are directly relevant and contribute to the overall argument you are presenting.
task achievement
Your response to the task is appropriate but could be more complete. Ensure that you fully explore the topic by discussing both sides of the argument, even if your opinion leans strongly towards one. This will demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
task achievement
The ideas in your essay are clear but need to be further developed and made more comprehensive. Elaborate on your points by adding depth to your reasoning, which will enhance the strength of your argument and the overall credibility of your essay.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant but lack specificity. Rather than providing generic statements, include detailed instances that substantiate your arguments. This will make your essay more persuasive and enable you to achieve a higher score.
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