IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Topic: the rise of social media has affected personal relationships and society as a whole. Do the advantages of using social media for communication outweigh the disadvantages?

#topic #rise #media #relationships #society #communication
Whether
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
media
 has had more and more impact on relationships and communities is a controversial problem.
This
 writer believes that the benefits of having lots of
friends
 and building
reputation
Correct article usage
a reputation
show examples
 outweigh the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
 of criticisms. One of the advantageous
factor
Change to a plural noun
factors
show examples
 is that social
media
 helps
people
 to have more
friends
 than in reality.
In other words
, social
media
 makes
this
 world become smaller and gets
people
 together. Individuals can find and make
friends
 from all over the world, to chat and share their stories
as well as
 interests. Taking Facebook as an example, there are many
chatting
Replace the word
chat
show examples
 groups for
users
 to join
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and discuss their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 topics.
Therefore
, using social
media
 to make
friends
 is prior
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 most
people
. Using
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 to build up
reputation
Correct article usage
a reputation
show examples
also
 needs to be considered. On social
media
, individuals can change and decorate their personal blogs to make a good impression on others. On social
media
,
people
 can only judge everyone through their personal pages, which means that
users
 can have their most beautiful images in other’s eyes. It is not difficult to find actors using pretty pictures
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 themselves and their
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 to help the poor, which makes them become more popular.
Hence
, social
media
 can publicize a person
as well as
 their beauty.
However
, some residents are afraid of
criticisms
Fix the agreement mistake
criticism
show examples
 whenever they go online. In more
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
show examples
,
users
 usually do not have methods to confirm if the information is correct or not
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and will critic
objects
Correct subject-verb agreement
object
show examples
 without any doubt.
This
 statement can be true, but as long as
users
 respect others both in reality and on
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
, there will be no
people
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 to
opponent
Replace the word
oppose
show examples
 them. Because of that, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 prefer avoiding discussing
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
sensitive topics
as well as
 conflict and
use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 friendly words to chat. Taking all into consideration, the benefits of having more
friends
 and building
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 reputation outweigh the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
 of criticisms.
Hence
,
people
 should respect
rules
Correct article usage
the rules
show examples
 of each community.
Additionally
, governments ought to restrict the laws about cyberattacks and untrue articles.

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task achievement
While the essay does address the topic, the response is not always fully extended or well supported. The ideas are somewhat clear but could benefit from more development and specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an acceptable logical structure, with paragraphs and some use of linking words. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more clearly defined and the argument more developed for greater clarity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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