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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the changes in food consumption by Chinese people between 1985 and 2010.

The graph below shows the changes in food consumption by Chinese people between 1985 and 2010.
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The line graph compares
meat
Use synonyms
,
salt
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 and fish in terms of food
consumption
Use synonyms
 by Chinese people from 1985 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, the three foods experienced different trends in the time period.
While
Linking Words
meat
Use synonyms
 and fish rose with some fluctuations,
salt
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consumption
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 fell over time. As the graph illustrates, over the time from 1985 to 2010 fish
consumption
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 was the highest number than other foods starting at 600
grams
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 per person per week in 1985 followed by a small increase to 700
grams
Use synonyms
 per
a
Correct article usage
apply
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person weekly in 1990.
Then
Linking Words
, it rose rapidly until reached a peak of around 850
grams
Use synonyms
 in 2010.
In addition
Linking Words
,
consuming
Wrong verb form
consumption of
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meat
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased steadily during that period.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
salt
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 stood at 500
grams
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 per person per week
decreased
Correct word choice
and decreased
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 constantly throughout the period.
While
Linking Words
salt
Use synonyms
 and
meat
Use synonyms
 had different trends, both foods
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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met
at
Change preposition
apply
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the same figure in 2010
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a number
around
Change preposition
of around
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 200
grams
Use synonyms
 spent.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words meat, salt, consumption, grams with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trends" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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