IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that studying for a university degree is better for an individuals career than gaining work experience immediately after highschool. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#people #university #individuals #career #work #highschool
In today's interconnected society, it is a prevailing proposition that the
university
 degree plays an essential role in
people
's careers,
while
 some individuals believe, that gaining
work
 experience is more crucial. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
 viewpoint,
however
, I argue, that these two
skills
 should be in balance for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better
work
-life. Most
people
 are under the assumption, that
university
 subjects may give more details about students' future jobs. In the
university
Add a comma
university,
show examples
 individuals separate their responsibilities and focus on the major aspects of their field. Perhaps another key consideration is a professional network.
University
 helps in building a professional network, which can be important for career advancement.
Moreover
, the
university
 has a significant role in imparting specialized knowledge. As an example, in fields
such
 as Medicine and Engineering students have to learn career-specific
skills
 for successful implementation.
Furthermore
, another reason, why most
people
 support
university
 degrees is that
university
 gives some freedom for young
people
.
For instance
, it is very difficult at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age to
work
 and earn money. Some
people
 have difficulties in their lives and do not feel ready after high school to start to gain
work
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
,
that is
 the reason why universities give
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 time for preparation.
However
, experience and practical-
skills
 gained from entering the workforce early, can promote individuals to be more independent.
For example
, these factors may improve
skills
such
 as
team-
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
work
 and communication, which will help in future employment. In light of these facts, one can conclude that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 universities play a considerable role in our lives and careers,
nevertheless
 gaining
work
 experience is
also
 important
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same level.
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coherence cohesion
You should ensure that the essay maintains a clear and logical progression of ideas. It was somewhat easy to follow, but transitions between points could be improved for better flow. Use cohesive devices effectively.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, make sure they are more impactful by clearly stating your thesis and summarizing your argument effectively in the conclusion. This can improve your reader's understanding of your stance on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed and specific examples. This could involve citing specific studies, statistics, or real-world scenarios that directly relate to the points being made.
task achievement
Address the task by providing a well-developed response to the question. Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument and that your position is consistently clear throughout the essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but strive for more depth and comprehensiveness in developing arguments. Expand on the implications and significance of points raised to provide a more thorough exploration of the topic.
task achievement
Include more relevant examples that are specific to the argument. This can help to illustrate and strengthen your points, making your essay more persuasive and informative.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • structured education
  • theoretical knowledge
  • career prospects
  • specialized knowledge
  • professional network
  • hands-on experience
  • practical skills
  • employability
  • adaptability
  • academic learning
  • real-world application
  • student debt
  • income
  • personal development
  • maturation
  • lifetime earnings
  • career advancement
What to do next:
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