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Band 5.5

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree?

#say #music #art #drama #school #subjects #level
It is
argut
Correct your spelling
argued
 that creative subjects
such
 as music, art, and drama Should be given value like other subjects
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 meteratic and history specifically for
children
 in primary schools, In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
 Statement because that
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 some creative and pratictive look and to discover their skills in early age. If
children
 grow up learning music and arts,
this
 may provide them with a sense of artistry and creativity they can have a special look and method to deal with other topics.
For example
, Oxford University recently reported that the student child who knows how to play with piano is more likely to answer math questions than the other Students. So that has a significant role in schools for
children
 and even the older in college another reason why these subjects are Is important Because the
children
 will discover their talent and continue to learn about it. that skill he discovered might be his first job in the future or even the additional income when he becomes a teenager.
In other words
, the recent world tends to the professional careers
such
 as singer, actor, and painter, and that become more popular on the income side.
For example
, a famous singer in my country stated a reason for his wealth is he Learned a sing with a privet teacher when he was seven years old. In conclusion, kind of subject like art is important for
children
 at a young age, for
me
Add a comma
me,
show examples
 I agree with that for many reasons I mentioned above
Submitted by ghad17172002 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear logical structure. Your essay shows a basic logical flow but could be improved by adding clearer transitions and developing paragraphs more thoroughly. Use sequencing words (firstly, secondly, moreover) to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction and a conclusion that clearly state your thesis and summarize your main points. While present, your introduction and conclusion could be more distinct and impactful. Consider using varied sentence structures and refining the thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more precise examples and explanations. Try to develop each point with specific details and relevant examples that are clearly linked to your argument. Your current examples could be elaborated on for greater effect.
task achievement
Ensure that your response completely addresses the task provided. You have addressed the topic but can enhance your response by offering a more balanced argument, then clearly stating your position, and addressing potential counterarguments.
task achievement
Your ideas are related to the prompt, but you could clarify and expand on them to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic. Work on the depth and breadth of your discussion for more insightful analysis.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to back up your arguments. Your examples somewhat support your points, but choosing more precise illustrations will strengthen your essay. Additionally, explicitly connect your examples to your main argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • problem-solving skills
  • cultural awareness
  • curriculum
  • engaging
  • memorable
  • nurture
  • talents
  • core subjects
  • academic
  • professional success
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