IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, believe that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some individuals consider enhanced
sports
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facilities
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 the best way to boost public
health
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.
However
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, others believe that increasing the number of
sports
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facilities
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 does not contribute enough to improve public
health
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, and other measures are essential.
This
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 essay will explore why I agree that other methods are more effective for progress in public
health
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.
To begin
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 with,
sports
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facilities
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 have a significant effect on a person's attitude toward exercising, which is beneficial for
overall
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health
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.
Therefore
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, constructing more
sports
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facilities
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 may be a good option for public
health
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.
Moreover
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, they are crucial for those who do not have enough financial support to go to gyms or other
sports
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 centres.
For instance
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, I used to go to a gym that did not require money, and it really helped me overcome my overweight problem.
On the other hand
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, I believe that education is a vital factor in spreading awareness for public
health
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. Teaching about
health
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 issues and how to deal with them is lifesaving in many cases.
For example
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, I was not aware of my overweight problem because I was not educated well regarding that matter. So, it is important to educate the public about
health
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 concerns to address their
health
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 issues. In conclusion,
although
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 enhancing
sports
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facilities
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 may be advantageous for people who cannot afford them, there are several reasons why I believe other measures are needed to improve public
health
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. Educating the public is more effective because it helps individuals become more mindful of
health
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 issues and maintain their well-being.

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses both views and provides a clear opinion, fulfilling the task requirements. However, further elaboration on how education can specifically address different public health issues could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, and the essay is logically structured. To improve, you might consider using more transitional phrases to create smoother paragraph transitions and strengthen coherence.
introduction
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by presenting both views and clearly stating your opinion.
examples
You provide relevant examples to support your points, such as your personal experience with a free gym and the impact of education on addressing health issues.
organization
The essay is well-organized with distinct paragraphs that each express a specific point, enhancing readability and coherence.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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