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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010.

The graph below shows how elderly people in the United States spent their free time between 1980 and 2010.
The line graph gives information about
the
Correct article usage
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how aged people spent their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 from 1980 to 2010 in the United States.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the most popular activity was watching
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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 at the beginning,
however
Linking Words
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 spent more
time
Use synonyms
to
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the
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hiking
at the
Linking Words
end
Use synonyms
 of the period. In 1980 60% of people spent their free
time
Use synonyms
to
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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watching
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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. Following
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 20 years it gradually rose to 70% and
at the
Linking Words
Use synonyms
end
Add a comma
end,
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 it fell
down
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to 10% again. Surfing the internet was the
last
Linking Words
 popular activity at the beginning,
whitch
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which
 started at approximately
from
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5%. It significantly increased to 15%
until
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in
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 2000 and sharply rose to 50% in 2010.
Time
Use synonyms
to
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spent
for
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on
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 theatre stood at 50% in 1980 ,
whitch
Correct your spelling
which
 was 20% more than reading at
same
Add an article
the same
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time
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. Next 20 years
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
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 of theatre fluctuated and it
slighty
Correct your spelling
slightly
 fell to 45%
at the
Linking Words
end
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
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 of reading rose
double
Fix the infinitive
to double
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 in 2010.
Correct article usage
The Elderly
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Elderly
Correct article usage
The elderly
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 spent 20% of their free
time
Use synonyms
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for
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apply
show examples
hiking in 1980 and it steeply rocketed up to 80%
at the
Linking Words
end
Use synonyms
 of the period.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, end with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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