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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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The ageing population is now one of the controversial issues that
people
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 like debating about. Some
people
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 consider that it can lead to negative effects on the government,
whereas
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 others argue that those who are older have more benefits to
society
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. I strongly agree with the view elderly
people
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 can bring out drawbacks to the government more than advantages.
Firstly
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, one of the major disadvantages is a shortage of the job. Basically,older
People
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 who are unproductive tend to have lower abilities and slow movements when it comes to work. A decline in the workforce could hinder the development of countries.
For instance
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, in South Korea, industries that heavily rely on physically demanding tasks are struggling to find an adequate number of young workers to replace retirees which can potentially impact sectors like manufacturing and construction.
Therefore
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, embracing elderly individuals in
society
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 and neglecting them has downsides.
Secondly
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, the existence of seniors is economically nonviable. It is imperative for the government to dedicate efforts and attention to the construction of facilities and infrastructure. On top of that, it incurs significant expenses and poses challenges to sustain over and over again. Eventually, the entire
society
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 can not afford to manage their countries.
Moreover
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, elder
people
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 are more likely to have weaknesses than young
people
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. Considerable financial investments are required for medical treatment
hence
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 they lead to an array of consumption in many adverse ways.
To sum up
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, the fact that ageing citizens may suffer from financial and low workforce issues obviously outweighs the benefit that elderly
people
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 will contribute to
society
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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear progression of ideas. Use cohesive devices appropriately to make your arguments flow more logically.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion could be better structured to outline the main points and summarize the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with more detailed examples. Elaborate on ideas to strengthen arguments.
task achievement
Make sure to address the task more completely by discussing both sides of the argument to fulfill the requirements of the prompt.
task achievement
Ensure ideas are comprehensive and fully expanded upon to offer clear understanding to the reader.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to substantiate the arguments presented in the essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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