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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

the map show school map in 1985 & now, describe it

the map show school map in 1985 & now, describe it
The left
map
Use synonyms
 represents the school
map
Use synonyms
 in 1985
while
Linking Words
 the right
map
Use synonyms
 represents the current layout. Past and present common elements, albeit in different measures, include a car park, office, several classrooms, and playing fields. There were major changes in the school over the years. From both pictures, one can observe that there are new features we can access,
such
Linking Words
 as a learning resources centre, a computer room which is part of the learning resources centre, a pool, a fitness centre, and some new classrooms that can accommodate more students. The
map
Use synonyms
 above
also
Linking Words
informs
Verb problem
shows
show examples
 the increase in school population from approximately 1500 students in 1985 to 2300 students as of now.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the position of the entrance and the exit remain the same,
although
Linking Words
 the shape of the car park went from a rectangular to a half circle.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, we can see that the library, the car park, and the classrooms beside the library have been removed
while
Linking Words
 the playing fields have
also
Linking Words
 decreased in size.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words map with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "map" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "represents" was used 2 times.
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