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Band 4.5

Some people think that children should not have a cell phone until they have reached their teens, whereas others believe that children should have cell phones at an early age. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #children #cell #phone #teens #phones #age
Several people
debates
Change the verb form
debate
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 that kids should not need to have a portable
phone
 until they become adolescents,
while
the
Correct article usage
apply
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others think that it is necessary to give a
phone
 to their kids int
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age. On the one hand, many think that it is a detrimental idea.
Because in
Correct word choice
In
show examples
 that case given so early will bring serious problems in the future for that kid,
therefore
 social skills development of the children will be affected
and
Correct word choice
as
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also
 issues with distraction from studies, because most of them pass their time using
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media
instead
 of
study
Wrong verb form
studying
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.
For example
, there are a lot of articles that show us if you give a cell
phone
 so early when he is a toddler, they will have issues
to
Change preposition
apply
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improving his speaking skills.
On the other hand
, a lot of parents say that it is necessary given to them a cell
phone
in
Change preposition
at
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 young age, for the reason that it is a safety measure
for
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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nowadays.
Therefore
, they
use to
Verb problem
apply
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communicate more fast or
for
Change preposition
in
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an emergency situations
Correct the article-noun agreement
emergency situations
an emergency situation
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 with their pupils.
Also
 for supervision and monitoring localization,
whereas
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apply
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it is so dangerous in the present days. In conclusion, my point of view
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 believe that both sides it is correct but depends
of
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on
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 the circumstances
,
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apply
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 if the children are so young it is not necessary because they will have
development
Replace the word
developmental
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 problems in the future,
while
 adolescents can be necessary if the parents want to know what they are doing or for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
emergency communication.
Submitted by ariannynani on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a general overview of the topic, but there is room for improvement in terms of depth and development of ideas. Try to expand on your main points with more detailed explanations and relevant examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay needs work. Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within it are related to that idea. Use connecting words to show the relationships between sentences and paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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